I had a recent conversation with a friend who is an international adoptive parent. She's been a sounding board for some of the problems I've had with my son and I really appreciate her input and support. She inquired about why I did not spend more time talking with my son about his adoption and the circumstances surrounding his birth and separation from his biological family. I think I understand the intent behind her question (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong); I wonder if she is concerned that by not talking about his adoption, I am communicating that who and what he was before me did not happen.
This is not true at all. My son knows that he is not my biological child; he remembers and talks occasionally about our meeting with a judge who declared that "we will be together forever and ever." He remembers living with his last foster family and explains, "I was just living with them until you could come and get me." We talked extensively during our year of visitation about what adoption was and the changes it would mean for him, for us. We talked during the months prior to the finalization. When my son became hysterical in the court room and clung to my father for dear life at the appearance of his social worker (the person generally responsible for moving him to a new home), we talked then, through his panic attack, until he was able to breathe normally and focus on my words. We discussed that no one, absolutely NO ONE, would ever take him away from me again.
He knows. I know. But now, we are a family. I am the only family he knows and cares about. I expect there to be questions in the future, and I'm more than ready to talk to him about it, but daily and weekly conversations that edify that we do not share a bloodline, for me, is counterproductive. Ongoing talks about the abandonment by his biological egg and sperm donors, people, mind you, that he would not recognize if they walked up to him on the streets today, I believe would weaken his already fragile identity. I have also chosen not to have any contact with his biological extended family until he is old enough to deal with any potential fallout (that is one crazy situation; ask me about it later if you're interested). I prefer to spend my time talking about how much better our lives are now that we can spend them together. I prefer reassuring him that he can plant roots here because this is rich, fertile ground. I prefer to spend our time mending the wounds created by his history of multiple abandonments. His problems are not cognitive; as I said, he knows the facts of his birth. Our problem is emotional and spiritual and for that, I need to focus on providing him with emotional and spiritual support, through constancy, consistency and love.
I am interested in hearing how other adoptive parents have chosen to deal with this issue. My friend and I have different approaches, but then our children are different, as are the circumstances of their births. What are your thoughts?
American association of cancer researchers
3 years ago
7 comments:
Slugger and I talk about his previous homes quite a bit. But the circumstances are different. He was with his birth parents until he was 5 1/2. So they are significant people in his life. His previous adoptive family is important to him because they have his brother and also because he fears that I'll do the same thing to him. His last foster home is important because they are still significant figures in our lives. (We talk to them weekly.)
Equally important to talking about his past is talking about our future and strengthening his ties to our current life. Slugger LOVES to hear about any similarities we have. He desperately wants to feel connected to his current life.
It's a fine line to balance. He needs to love and cherish the good memories from his past as well as understanding the traumatic ones. But he also needs to feel that his feet are firmly planted in the present and that he is where he belongs.
Thanks Maggie for responding. You make a good point about balance. I do think you need to validate your child's experiences and memories. The individual circumstances of the child will and should dictate the level of disclosure. Unfortunately, my child does not have any conscious memories of his life before me, with the exception of his last foster home. We talk about his experiences there but have had limited contact since he's moved in with me. There has been no visitation since that family lives in a different state several hundreds of miles away.
How we discuss the adoption issue:
I told you in a previous post the circumstances around my daughter's situation (foster care from birth to age 2, adopted for 14 months, adoption disrupted, arrived with us at age 3.5). She just turned 7 years old. She knows she is adopted, or course, but we do not discuss the circumstances of her birth mother. I don't think she is quite mature enough for that discussion. She is able to visit with her biological brother who is 14 and she understands he is her brother and that he has a new family too, but does not ask specific questions about the circumstances of her birth. She does understand that babies grow in a women's tummy, but has not asked whose tummy she grew in. We do reassure her every day that she is loved, and we are a family. She seems happy and good with that. She really needs to understand a little more about the facts of life to understand the complete situation (she and her brothers have different fathers). But when she is ready and curious, I am ready to discuss it with her. There are some really hairy details we know about her extended birth family that I will have to gloss over until she is much older. But I do have a picture of the birth mom and will be able to tell her that she had problems with drugs and alcohol and was not able to take care of her and her brothers. She died in 2004 so she will never be able to meet her or ask any questions to her directly.
I thought I was going to have to get into the discussion with her this morning! Have you ever noticed that almost every kid's movie deals with orphans and/or adoption in some way? Beverly noticed this too, and it does provide an opening to discussions, and helps the children realize this is a good and normal thing that a lot of people experience. We were watching the second half of "Snow Dogs," a Disney movie that has been out about 10 years. About a man (Cuba Gooding) who finds out he is adopted and his birth mom left him her team of huskies. His adoptive family never told him he was adopted, so this was a big shock to him and he goes to Alaska to find out about his birth mom and maybe find his birth dad. Maddie was getting very confused about all the characters, and who was his mom, dad, etc. I was trying to explain to her about birth parents vs. adoptive parents, and she understood it but did not ask about her birth parents.
One story she wants me to tell her over and over is that a few months before she joined us, our dog that had been our “baby” passed away. We told her we were so sad and crying. Then when we learned we were going to get her, it made us so happy, and we didn’t cry any more.
So basically, we are always open to her questions about her background, but do not bring it up for conversation unless she asks or seems insecure about her place in the family.
Mary63: thanks for responding. I like that you are letting your daughter's level of cognitive development and interest dictate the pace of when and what information you share with her. This is the approach I take, and plan to take with my son.
That is sort of what I meant. I put all good meanings in Glenys' anniversaries with me right now because I know one day she will realize there was a negative side to it all.
Oh yeah, and thanks for reminding me Beverly. We have two, week long celebrations each year. The first is in May to commemorate when he first came home. This includes an annual family photoshoot, dinner and structured time together; we talk about what it was like to travel back to our home and our feelings at the time. The second week long event is celebrated in Sept to mark the finalization of the adoption.
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