I'm scared

We met with our therapist tonight; only tonight was MY session. I wasn't expecting it and I'm afraid that I shut down on her a little. I'm used to being the one asking the questions, probing and directing one towards insight. It's a little disconcerting to be on the receiving end of that kind of attention. I felt vulnerable and a little exposed; neither of which feels good to me and I shut down. To her credit, she didn't let me get away with it. In a gentle, almost loving kind of way, she helped to remind me that we needed to work together to figure out what would be best for my son. And part of that is looking at the mother-child interaction. While I know that in my head or "intellectually"; you might recall that was one of the reasons I was so excited about beginning Theraplay to begin with; emotionally, exposing my flaws to a stranger, heck, exposing my flaws to myself terrifies me!

I have enough anxiety already that I may somehow be contributing to my son's ongoing issues. I have followed the textbook guidelines on behavior modification and have implemented them consistently. I am a strong advocate at his school and in other areas, and a fearless protector of his innocence. Despite the 1.5 year delay, I am determined to give my child the best childhood possible. But I had to face an uncomfortable truth this evening: not only am I uncomfortable experiencing and coping with my son's fears and anxieties, I am far and away out of touch with my own. I believe that I may indeed have been inadvertantly contributing to the problem by modelling an unhealthy coping pattern. Now, I'm not saying that I caused his issues, I'm not a martyr. But I worry that I may have delayed his healing.

I was told that in our next session, we would engage in a videotaped structured play time in which our therapist can observe our interactions and make some decisions about our treatment plan. No, stop!

As I read over what I've just written , I realize that I'm doing it even now. I have given you a clinical description of my feelings rather than just emoting and venting them. I have a feeling that this process is going to be helpful to our family in the long run, but I tell ya, in the short run, I'm scared.