The first couple days at the camp were very peaceful, joyful and inspiring to me. Even the grass growing was a source of inspiration. Bonding with the children was easier, reconnecting with former friends and establishing new ties. In the evenings, after we put the kids to bed, the counselors got together to review the events of the day, problem solve any issues that may be going on with the kids and then pray over the continued success of our camp. During one of these meetings, I remember praying and praising God for the peace that had been consuming me all week. Of course, you know this was a set up for the devil to come in to mess things up, right?
I think I've mentioned that I am a fairly laid back person. I'm not a glory hound, or a know-it-all. I'm still young enough to believe that I can learn something new from any person or every experience I encounter. I feel like my participation in this camp was a call from God. Even when I tried to avoid being here, He would not let me rest until I complied. So, here I am. Anyway, past experience has revealed to me that not all people are comfortable around my "laid-backed-ness." My behavior is interpreted in some negative way that I have yet to be able to put into words. It used to bother me and I would question myself and then try to modify my behavior in some way. Sometimes, I think "laid back" is equated to "pushover or punk" but don't get it twisted. I am neither. Eventually, I decided that the problem was not mine, it was the problem of the receiver. So when I encounter these folk, I tend to avoid them, for both my own and their sanity. You'll see why in a minute.
Last year, I shared a cabin with a young college age missionary. She's very gung-ho, and appears to be dedicated to the Lord. My perception of her was that she really needed me to affirm how great she was and that I needed to model myself after her lead. Hmmm. . . well, I let her have her lead, but I continued to do me; when I had something to say, I said it, otherwise, I let her run the show. But I made no efforts to validate her; some may find that petty, but that's what I did. But we made it through that week with no bloodshed and no love lost. I was so excited when I got the cabin assignments this year and found out that she and I would not have to live together again. That is, until I looked at the assignments for the Small Group discussions and found out who would be my co-facilitator. Dang!! I'm a child of God. I opened myself up to be led by Him a long time ago, so I know this was no accident. He put me back into close relations with my nemesis for a reason. I assumed it was to teach me a lesson of some sort, but I'm sad and sorry to say that I think I failed this one.
The morning after the counselors' group prayer, our small group discussion with the children focused on God's plan for our relationships with family. We had a lively group of girls, who were participative and interested and we'd been having really good discussions all week. We had pretty much exhausted the topic and had moved on to other related areas. The question came up about how the girls were adjusting to their schools and whether or not they had encountered any problems getting along with African American children. This topic was fresh on my mind given my recent blog on internalized racism, so I was really interested in the girl's reactions. My gung ho, opinionated, missionary, co-facilitator interrupted as one child shared that she felt badly because AA children made fun of her due to her dark complexion. My co-facilitator dismissed her concerns as, "those people are just stupid! you are beautiful and I was just talking with one of the other leaders about how we admire your long legs and skinny bodies!" Ok, I got the topic back on course by asking the young woman to expand her answer. This opened the door for two other young women to share that while they know that the comments are not true, when they hear it over and over again, it makes them feel insecure and doubtful about themselves. I was in the middle of sharing some of my thoughts from the earlier post, when my co-leader jumped in again. "Slavery was over a long time ago, that really doesn't have anything to do with anything now." Then she began dismissing a couple of older African American co-workers about their "stupid" attitudes towards Africans and then "they have the nerve to claim you as 'their people' I told them, she said, the Sudanese are more MY people because I work with them every summer." Well, I was pretty much done at that point. I interrupted her, asked her to stop speaking "because you are coming from a place of ignorance." I then went on to complete my thoughts. She tried to interrupt a couple of times and each time, I put my hand up and asked her to remain quiet. And just in case you need a visual, you know that look your mama gets when she is fed up with you and have told you for the LAST time to be quiet, that is, right before she grabs a belt? Well, that was me.
I'm not proud of my actions. I share them because I am really struggling to work through why I let this young woman get to me. I am ashamed that our unpleasant business was enacted in front of the children. I waited after the girls were dismissed because I wanted to apologize and try to explain why she had irritated me so, but she left with the girls. When I saw her later, she pretended not to see me. Well, since I didn't particularly want to spend much more time on this issue or with her either, I left it alone. However, I couldn't rest; I talked it over with another counselor, called a girlfriend away from camp and we had pretty much concluded that I needed to find this woman and talk it out. So, all the time leading to to our last small group discussion, I worried and journaled and prayed and could not find any peace. So, and here is the beginning of where I think I failed my test, I decided to avoid the group altogether. I spent that hour talking with one of the Sudanese ministers about his pending nuptials.
Later, I found the camp director and told him that I had missed the small group discussion and why. This is when I discovered that my co-leader had already spoken to him the day before. Her version of events was that I had accused her of being racist.
**moment of silence**
It was at this moment when I knew that there was nothing I would be able to say that would make sense or bring any closure to this situation. My account of things is fairly accurate; I paraphrased a couple of times just for the sake of time, but the content is true. Nowhere in my heart, mind or thoughts, nowhere in my journaling or prayer time, nowhere in my sharing with my other co-counselor did the question of racism arise. But that was her explanation for why I corrected her. The director wanted to arrange a meeting between the three of us so "we could work this out," but I just couldn't. We left the camp the following day with this issue unresolved.
I don't handle conflict well, I know this about me. I tend to go between two extremes, either I avoid it completely or I confront it harshly. I suspect that God is putting me in these types of situations so that I can learn to manage my emotions better. God did not receive any glory in the way I handled that situation. I mean I didn't cuss the girl out or anything, but we both walked away with very negative feelings from that encounter and I think that among believers, we should be able to handle conflict better.
Anyway, I am really interested in hearing your thoughts. If you've had similar experiences, please share. I want to be better prepared for God's next test, cuz you know it's coming.
American association of cancer researchers
3 years ago
2 comments:
You were in a difficult situation for sure. The missionary definitely had her own ideas, and I don’t think anything you could have said at the time would have swayed her. Maybe you will get a chance to discuss this with her later. Possibly if you even wrote it all out in a letter or email, you can get all your points across and she can do the same. I don’t think the other people are being “stupid” by ridiculing the Africans for their dark skin, but it does happen, maybe “ignorant” is a better term. It can’t be denied that the Americans are uncomfortable with the Africans, for whatever reason. People are naturally apprehensive when they are around someone who is different from them, whether it is color, nationality, age or disability. When they spend more time with them and get to know them, like you are doing with the camp, these differences can be examined. Being white, I can’t address the black on black racism. I can explain the environment I grew up in and how it affected my views. I grew up in Memphis, was born in 1963. The only black people I encountered were in service jobs – garbage men, sackers at the grocery, and a maid and nanny at our church. The only black neighborhoods I saw were not in desirable locations and the houses and apartment were very small and worn. That just tells you how segregated the city was, and still is. I rarely interacted with any black children until I was in 5th grade and was bussed to a black school. The paradigm I gathered from what I was and experienced is that black people could not hold a professional job, or live in a nice neighborhood. Let me give you an example: one time when my mom gave a black girl in my Girl Scout troop a ride home and she live lived in a house that looked almost exactly like ours. I was in shock! A black person in a nice house! And mind you, we did not live in the Taj Mahal, it was a 1200 sq foot tract house. My parent never said anything derogatory or racist; I gathered these attitudes and beliefs from what I saw around me on a daily basis. I can’t even imagine what ideas formed in the minds of children whose parents were overtly racist. And there are some hard-core racists out there for sure. Our neighbors were very much so: one time when I was playing in their back yard with a black girlfriend, we were in 5th grade. The woman called my mother and told her she didn’t want black kids playing her yard, and to tell me not to do that any more. Some of my friend’s parents talked about how they hated black people and didn’t want anything to do with them. There was no rationale given to these thoughts, it was just a given.
I was watching “Hairspray” with my daughter (if you haven’t seen it, it’s set in Baltimore in the early 60’s and they are trying to integrate a teenage TV dance show). My daughter asked me what segregation was. WOW, watching a light musical and get a question like that. I tried to explain it, and it just wasn’t making sense to her. Why would the dark kids have to go to a different school? Since she had seen none of the paradigms that I saw growing up, it was just unfathomable.
I was talking to a younger co-worker; she is in her late 20’s, white, and grew up in Colorado. She didn’t understand the segregation thing either. She asked me why I thought it was in place for so long. The only thing I could think of was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing control, fear of losing your unique identity.
I believe the only way we can work to eliminate racism for everyone is to discuss it. And as you have experienced, it is a very touchy, uncomfortable and volatile issue, even with someone of your own race! I think Sen. Obama has brought America’s buried racism to the forefront. We are going to have to address it now, whether we want to or not. He may be the perfect person to bring the country together, since he is both black and white. If you told me when I was a kid that there would be a serious presidential candidate of African heritage, I would have told you you were crazy! The times they are a changin’, but there is still some work to do.
Thanks for responding Mary63. I agree; there really was nothing more to be said. Her life experiences at 23 have not yet prepared her for my experiences at 29+. I also agree that we will continue to experience racism and prejudice until we start talking about it in the open and not like it's America's dirty little secret. I have considered sending her an email, but if I do, it will be later once some of the emotional smoke has cleared. Thanks again!
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