This incident took place during our year of visitation. I had traveled to his home state for the weekend. He was 3 years old then. We spent the day at the beach and had plans for dinner and a movie later. Understand, I was really feeling myself then. There was not a doubt in my mind that my love for him and consistency would be all I needed to help my child feel more secure. I had heard all the stories about his tantrums and oppositional behaviors, but for the 3 or 4 months that we'd been visiting, he had been nothing but sweetness with me. His foster mother complained that he was a picky eater and would only eat certain things, mostly sweets. With me, he ate whatever I put before him. She also complained that she could not take him to restaurants with the family because he would be too disruptive; we ate out all the time during my visits, after all, we were staying in hotels, and I had never had ANY problems with him. In fact, it may have been during this same weekend, we had eaten at one of those buffet style restaurants and I had left him at the table while I prepared his plate. (He remained within my line of sight). He sat there quietly and patiently; there was an older woman nearby who commented when I returned to the table, on how well behaved he was. One of the points of conflict I had with his foster mother was that she would give him a sleeping pill to make him sleep in church because otherwise, according to her, he would run wild throughout the sanctuary. (I know, I know, that's a whole nuther post, don't get me started!). I generally tried to arrange my weekend visits so that I could attend church with him and his behavior was consistent with any other 3 year old. Again, no problems.
So, like I said, I was feeling myself. On this particular evening, we had finished dinner and went to the movie theater to see "Shrek 2"; I remember this clearly because I didn't get a chance to see the entire movie until years later, when it came out on video. Since we had just finished dinner, I chose not to buy popcorn and soda. I explained this to my headstrong little person while we were driving there. So, we're watching the movie and about 30 minutes in, he whispers to me, "mommie, I want some popcorn." I reminded him that we had just had dinner and didn't need popcorn. Perhaps 10 minutes later, he says, "mommie, I want some popcorn." So, professional that I am, I used distraction, "look at what Donkey just did, wasn't that funny!!" He laughed and returned his attention to the movie. Five minutes pass and he says more insistently, "mommie, I want some popcorn." Again, distraction, "ok, baby, give me 5 minutes." Ten minutes later, my son, at full volume, with anger and determination, screamed, "MOMMIE, I WANT SOME POPCORN N - O - W !!!
Of course we had the attention of the entire theater now. I explored the option of throwing him through the screen and then thought better of it. I couldn't think of a therapeutic response though, and thought it best that we walk out for a brief time-out. I picked up my little charmer and carried him out like a football under my arm. He's squirming and building himself up into full tantrum mode at this point. We reach the ladies room and I'm not quite sure WHAT I was going to say. I'm pretty sure it would not have been healthy though; but then I realized that we were not alone. So, I stood there, thinking, my arms crossed over my chest, breath heaving (remember, I had just carried a screaming, squirming toddler several yards), waiting for this woman to come out of her stall. I didn't know how I was going to handle this, there was too much emotion and adrenaline, after all, this was my little angel. Not. But I knew I did not want to play out this little drama in front of an audience.
So, we stood there looking at each other, with our lips poked out and our arms crossed over our chest, waiting for this woman to leave. I was trying to figure out how to break the stalemate without losing my authority and inadvertantly reinforcing his tantrum. Obviously, this woman was in no hurry WHATSOEVER. But, I stood there heaving and thinking. She eventually came out of the stall, smiling and looked like she was about to make small talk until she took in the mutinous expressions on both of our faces. It was at this moment that I also took in HIS activity. He had stopped crying and screaming and he stood there in front of me, matching me breath for breath, and he also had his arms crossed over his chest. I think we scared the lady, (or perhaps, she was also a parent) cuz she finally got the hint and left us alone in the bathroom. Fortunately, though, this had been just enough time for me to begin to see the humor in the situation. We looked just alike in our stubborness and in our refusal to back down. I still couldn't think of any good way to resolve this issue, so I said, "I'm going back into the theater and I am going to enjoy the rest of this movie. You can come with me or not, but if you come, you will sit quietly and not yell anymore. Your choice." And I turned and left the bathroom, without waiting to see his response. (I know, real mature, but I'm just telling you what I did.) I finally looked behind me just before walking back into the theater and he was trailing after me, mutinous expression gone, replaced by calm determination. (Don't ask me what I would have done if he were NOT behind me, fortunately, we'll never know! LOL).
We enjoyed the rest of the movie, without popcorn.
4 comments:
Oh, those crossroads are so difficult. I know how hard it is when you're at one of those points and you don't really what to do or say to get out of/past it. Good for you for taking the easy route and buying him some popcorn. And, though if he had chosen to stay in the bathroom or go elsewhere you obviously wouldn't have been able to allow that, I think giving him a choice was a good thing. Sometimes it's hard/impossible to come up with choices where we can live with whatever our kids choose.
Hey Maggie,
No, I didn't buy the popcorn. You're right though, I inadvertently avoided a power struggle by giving him a choice. That was purely accidental at that point. I learned to deliberately implement this as time went on. This was the beginning of his acceptance of my authority over him, I think.
Well done! I probably would have caved and bought the popcorn.
Trust me, I thought about it, Mary63, but I didn't want to set up the expectation that when he wanted to have his way, all he had to do was tantrum. Everybody else had done that, and look at the results??
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