Love List continued

I was raised in a family who demonstrated love through put downs. I suppose the intentions were good; you know, "I'm going to bring you to the reality of yourself before the world does it," but it was hell, did I say H-E-L-L on a sista's self-esteem. The other loving touch was to make all decisions for you without allowing you an opportunity to figure some things out on your own. And if you attempted to make your own choices that did not fall in with the party line, more put downs. The result of all of this love for me has been wrong, wrong, and more wrong choices for mates; (I had no idea what I wanted or needed). And a couple near misses in my career. I am not blaming my family for my problems, I think I'm just acknowledging how some of them may have developed. They did the best they could with what they had. And even though I have had to struggle, I think I turned out to be pretty cool people!

I'm thinking about how I will finish this Love List. The best, best BEST friend in my world is a guy. We have been friends for nearly 10 years now. He is my reality check, confidante (Chez, I promise if you spill one bone from my closet, I will KILL you!!); and I hope that I have been only half as good to him as he's been to me. We truly are friends, there is no sexual chemistry even though he is fine as hell; but he is a really good person. Many of the qualities that have allowed our friendship to flourish, I find that I value and have included on my Love List. (Any single women out there who need a hook up, I GOT you!!). I'm a lot more appreciative of this friend and indeed all of my male friends, parts of each of them are reflected in this list. I hope this means that I am getting closer to receiving the man that is for me.

One thing that has also happened is my heightened awareness of WHAT I want, what I NEED. I have been slow to learn what moves me. In the past, I have typically picked the same man over and over again and then wonder why it doesn't work for me. I ended a relationship about a year and a half ago; quicker than I would have ordinarily, so I guess that means I've been making progress?! Anyway, a part of me knew even in the beginning, that he was not right for me, but our mutual friends were egging us towards each other, "y'all would be PERFECT together; he's just what you need!" He really wasn't; and I felt guilty when I understood that, nearly a year into the relationship. We were the only two singles in our group of married or involved friends; I think our relationship just helped us to fit in better.

So, recently some friends have been talking to me about the "Good On Paper Guy". Y'all know him; he's the right age, the right career, is stable financially and careerwise, ok looking, family man. I remember feeling my interest peak for the first time in over a year. Then I met him and he was all that I was told. And he didn't do a damn thing for me. I could hear the voices in my head though trying to override this reality. "Ah, he's attractive; once you get to know him, you'll like him more." Oooo, Get thee behind me Satan!!

I know that this is nothing more than a repeat of my old script. I have a clearer understanding of what attracts me, and the type of person who would fit easily into our world. Seven or eight months ago, I fell into this attraction for a man, who is now a good friend of mine (NOT Chez!!). I remember first laying eyes on him thinking, "eh, no!" Shortly after though, he looked at me and spoke for the first time. I mean he really looked at me, like he knew me already. I felt like I had been struck by lightning. This is the easiest relationship I have ever fallen into with a man. No games, no awkward stage, no wondering if he likes me. He has always been free to let me know that, right from the beginning. My friendship with him is as natural as breathing and as familiar. He is the mirror image of me; not an exact replica, subtle differences, but the same. What I didn't know is that he is already in a relationship!

Oh, what a let down that was. I can't say that he led me on, because he didn't. He likes me and is as comfortable with me as I am with him and we enjoy spending time together, and, we are still friends, girlfriend and all. I am closely examining those things that draw me to him cuz, I have no intention of letting my romantic feelings for him deter me from finding someone who is available to me.

My point in even bringing this sad issue up is that I know where I have gotten myself into trouble. When I meet the person for me, I won't have to pretend or force any interest or attraction. I won't need to compromise on age, looks, jobs, finances, part-time pettiness, mutual interest or any other factor. I am NOT making a mistake by refusing to entertain the "Good on Paper Guy"; he's not for me, (again, if someone else wants him, I'll direct him your way.)

Feel free to point out any errors in my thinking; I've said before, I'm still trying to work some things out. So, in the interest of further enlightenment,

The Love List continues:

71. He knows what size clothes I wear.
72. He does not hesitate to tell me when my female friends are out of order, that is, too flirtatious or seductive towards him (oo, I feel another post coming on!!)
73. He looks for me when he comes home; greeting me with a kiss and a ‘hi’, rather than disappearing into another room of the house without a word
74. He is knowledgeable about something and takes pleasure in sharing it with and teaching me.
75. He gets me; warts, insecurities and all.
76. Hair on his chest, arms and legs is s e x y!!