Ok, I gotta admit, that this was kinda how I was feeling yesterday. I went to collect my child from his daycare yesterday afternoon and was pulled aside by the director/owner.
"We have a problem."
Before I asked her to continue, I looked over at my child, who was staring at me in defiance, with his lip poked out, almost daring me to contradict him.
Hmmmm.
Anyway, for the last couple days, I was told, my child has been physically fighting with another child, a little 8 year old boy. Right in the middle of the director's story, my child interrupted, crying and screamed,
"He was talking about me, saying things to hurt my feelings, I don't like kids to hurt my feelings. And he called you ugly; you're not ugly. I wasn't gonna let him punk me out."
You may recall the conversation we had a couple months on this topic and the advice I gave to him? Well, here it is, biting me in the butt.
So, the short of the story is that everyone agreed that the other child had been provoking my heart and soul. The first time it happened, he and the boy started fighting, the adults broke it up put them both in time out and that was the end of it; they didn't even tell me about it. But since then, whenever my heart and soul gets within striking distance of this kid, he would say something smart or hit the boy. Over and over again.
Oh, and I didn't mention that two weeks ago, he came home with his first black eye. He was proud of it, by the way, as he described what the other kid looked like in comparison with his own "just a scratch, mommy!" Again, he responded appropriately, according to the director, and though I didn't like it, I didn't really address it with him. Mostly because he did what I told him to do.
Ok, so fast forward back to yesterday. I am now torn on how to respond. To be clear, I don't want him to let other kids to pick on him. I want him to feel like he can and should defend himself when needed, but I don't want him turning into a bully either.
So, this is a call for advice from all single mothers raising boys and to the men: I need my lil stinker to come back a little towards the middle. So, what do I say or communicate to him in a way he can understand?
4 comments:
That's something I struggle with. I don't want my son to be a doormat, yet he's so quick to anger and to judge. He also doesn't forgive those who have wronged him (though, with his lacking social skills, he's probably wronged THEM many times). I constantly use situations (on TV, things that happened to me, things that happen to him, etc) as catalysts for conversations about the subject. I want him to find the balance between standing up for himself with words and not being violent and unfair to others. It's hard and he tends to take baby steps forward and giant leaps back with his progress.
Thanks Maggie. I'm trying to tread carefully here because fighting back is a big step for him. Now, he could terrorize a room full of adults, but he would tend to just "take" whatever other kids did to him.
So, on the one hand, I'm happy that he is defending himself, but on the other. . .
Ok, sounds like you're advising to make fighting and defending oneself an ongoing dialogue, looking for opportunities to illustrate.
The first Spiderman movie might be a good place to start. "With great power comes great responsibility". I think we'll watch it today.
I have no advice for you because I have no experience on that end... :-(
But your sweetie pie got a temper on him! He's got his mother's back!
I know your advice is coming back to bite you. I imagine my mom felt the same way about me and my siblings when the teacher called her at work with something we said or did.
But you are aware. You are actively trying to remedy this situation and I applaud you and pray that your little one comes back to center.
He does have a temper. Especially when he thinks he's right about something or feels he is being mistreated in some way.
He's trying to find his way. All I can do is support him now. We talk about ways to solve problems, not taking things other people say seriously, etc.
So, we'll see.
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