Lent

Today is the first day of the Lenten season. Neither my church nor my faith requires the period of fasting and sacrifice that is required by some denominations, but I personally see the value in the discipline that is needed to maintain this daily sacrifice for 40 days.

So, while I'm not required to participate in this process, I usually do, just for my own personal growth. Rather than take something away, however, I usually try to add something to my daily life and routine that has been lacking. I do my best to perform this act daily through Easter and my prayer is that it will be something that I can continue even throughout the year. There is research that says it takes months for successful behavior change to take place, so there you go.

I am a spontaneous woman. I like to do things off the cuff, so to speak. I am at my best when performing for a short deadline. I'm kind of a sprinter, I can give intense bursts of energy for a short period of time. I have never been able to run long distances or marathons. Never. Not even at my peak of fitness.

This translates also, unfortunately, in my approach to my day to day problems. It is really hard for me to plan for the distant future; I need the immediate feedback from short goals.

For example, I have a goal to lose X number of pounds; I'm having trouble meeting that goal because I can't see immediate change; then I lose interest and move on to something else. I am doing very well (for me) with my goal to write daily. I want to continue to do that, because I know me; it wouldn't take much for this to fall down the list of hundreds of daily life things that I need to prioritize.

I've been doing a lot of reflection and praying lately, asking for guidance, trying to understand this about myself. I mean, it's one thing to know it but the change process is intense. So, I'm searching for my own triggers to self sabatage.

A mentor once told me that I had many traits of an obsessive compulsive disorder or perfectionism. I laughed in her face and then pointed out to her, "how can you even say that? you've been to my house!" Seriously, y'all, I need a housekeeper in the worst kind of way. At the best of times, cleaning house is at the bottom of my most fun activities, but when I'm busy and overtaxed, it falls even further down my priority list.

But my mentor was insistent with her belief and pointed out things that she felt was evidence to support her theory. When she finished, and unfortunately, it took her awhile to do that, I had to own up to at least some of what she said. I'm not a neat freak, but I do like things done in a certain way. When I clean, my environment becomes spotless. I live with two dogs and a busy, barely pays attention little boy. There is no way that my house can stay spotless without my working at it all the time. So, I know that I can't maintain it, so I don't do it. She believes that one of the reasons that I am the perfect parent for my particular child is that I provide for him a highly structured home environment, something that had been missing in his foster care placements and fulfills his need for stability.

The downside of this, is that without immediate feedback, I get more easily frustrated than some (parenting stuff) and I think, this taps into my fear of failing and so I quit or lose interest (other stuff).

So, for this Lenten season, I am setting two long term goals, long for me at least. For the next 40 days, I will exercise daily for at least 30 minutes; more if I can fit in the time, but no less than 30. Past experience tells me that if I can just make this a part of my daily routine, it will become reinforcing and I won't have to force myself to do it, I will WANT to do it, just like I now want to eat. So, this time will help me to re-establish it as part of my daily routine.

The second goal relates to my writing schedule; I feel the impact of my perfectionism here most of all. I have imposed a couple deadlines on myself; I want to be close to finishing this novel at least by August. I have plans to attend a writing conference that will include networking with both editors and agents of some major publishing houses. I will even have an opportunity to pitch my novel to an editor (10 whole minutes, y'all) and so I want this thing to be polished.

Because of this, I am reviewing and editing, and reviewing and editing the chapters that I have already produced, but I am stalled at producing the rest of it. At the pace I am now working, I'll be lucky to have this thing done by Feb 2010!! Ok, it's not that bad, but I'm taking this as a warning to myself.

So, goal number two. I will write, at my PC, with no editing or reviewing, for at least one hour 5 days a weeks. When I make myself focus, I can produce anywhere between 1000 to 2000 words during this time and so this pace would better suit my goals. The rest of the time, I can feed my need to edit, but during that time, I am just allowing my imagination and fingers to flow.

This may sound easy, but for me, this will make the next month or so extremely challenging. I will document my progress daily for the sake of accountability. Starting TODAY!