Mother/Father

I am both mother and father to my 7 year old son; tends to go with the territory of single parenting. Most of the time, I feel comfortable responding to whichever role my son requires on any given day. Please understand, I don't think I can teach him to be a man; I realize that only another man can do that, but for the basics, I think I'm more than equipped to help.

It helps that I am not "girly". I'm as much woman as the next, but my interests tend to be broader than what is stereotypically female. I like makeup but I rarely wear it. I frequently have spa days and I love having someone give me a pedicure, but you will rarely find my nails painted. I can't stand shopping, I don't gossip, my range of conversation rarely includes the beauty shop, the latest **whatever**, bag, dress, you fill in the blank for whatever works for you.

I competently manage my household and don't look to others to help or assume responsibility. I've got the basics down when it comes to a hammer and nail; I can do small repairs around the house, and I can sew on a button or fix a hem in a pinch.

I have no interest in sports nor do I try to keep up with team sports. But I understand the rules of football, basketball, soccer, baseball and rugby and can hold a fairly decent conversation about either if called upon. This is mostly because I want to be able to follow my son when he leaves the soccer field or basketball court talking about various skills he has.

I refuse to learn how to change a tire on my car or to mow my own lawn. I got into an argument with a former lover, or I should say, I was fussed at by this same person, for my lack of interest in developing these skills.

"You're supposed to be this great feminist. How dare you let other people do things for you?" He accused in outrage. I replied that because I AM a feminist, I have the right to choose to do what I want. Besides, no offense to the men, for I really appreciate that for some, chivalry is not dead, but anytime I look like I need to do either task, some man pushes me out of the way and takes on the responsibility himself. I don't like getting dirty, so this seems perfectly reasonable to me to leave it to the men.

So, I say all this to say, that I feel comfortable responding to most needs of my child. And when the time comes that he needs a little more, I have several male role models available to him on speed dial.

Earlier this week, when, after picking up my son from his afterschool program, he approached me in tears, reporting that BJ had put him in a choke hold and had called his mother (me) an ugly name. Normally, I leave children to work out their own problems; this is after all, part of the socialization process. If I came in as Super Mommy to the rescue whenever he got into trouble, I would be handicapping him. I generally teach him to avoid starting fights with his peers, to find a talking solution to problems and when that doesn't work, tell an adult.

But what I haven't taken into account is that some kids are just plain MEAN! Just because. And it is the nature of boys to be aggressive. So, my way left him with a sense of helplessness and made him a target for bullying. At that moment, I realized how nice it would be if we had a daddy around.

But, we don't have a daddy, right? So that leaves me.

In my typical logical form, I told my son that just because a person says something about another does not make it true. There are some things he should just ignore or laugh off.

And as we got in the car, I added, "and if I hear of you crying because you let another child punk you out, I'm going to punk you! I expect you to try to avoid problems, but if someone hits you or otherwise put their hands on you, I expect you to knock them the "F" out!"

Ok, so I didn't actually say the "f" word to my child, but my meaning was clear. Then we practiced elbow jabs, punches and ways of getting out of choke holds.

I'm doing my best.