Ok, ladies, I need to work off a little stress and they say that confession is good for the soul, right?
So, here's the confession. . . a few years ago, I fell in love with a man, who unbeknownst to me, despite repeated inquiries from me, was married with kids! So, I pretty much reamed him a new backside when I found out, but this really messed me up good. I don't get attached often but when I do, I fall hard and once the heat of anger passed, I hurt. . . but good.
So, fast forward to about a year ago, I ran into this man by chance. I had not spoken to or seen him since that final confrontation. He walked up to my table, hesitantly and offered me a sincere apology for his actions.
"You deserved so much better than what I did to you and I'm really sorry."
I felt better because he made no attempt to defend his actions, none of the usual trite, "she don't understand me" bull crap that some might say. So, I accepted his apology and we went on our separate ways.
I will tell you though, for weeks after that meeting, I dreamed about him and was reminded of all the things I loved about him. Now, I didn't act on those thoughts, but I just wanted you to know that they were there.
Ok, so tonight, I took two of my nieces and my son to see a play. We were paying for the tickets when who should walk up behind us? Yes, you got it. My nemesis.
Ok, since it's just us girls here, this man is so pretty to me. Let me indulge for a quick sec. . . smooth dark chocolate skin, snow white teeth, perfectly straight, just under 6 feet talk, well built, I mean, well-built. When I last saw him, he had freeform dreadlocs at mid-back. Now it's cut in a small afro, but I easily remembered how I used to love grabbing handfuls of his hair and pulling him down to me. . . oh, I'm sorry. I'm back now. He took my breath away. My niece said later in the car, "did you see his face when he saw you?" What she described was a combination of shock and absolute pleasure. He was glad to see me. He hesitated for a brief second, checked in to see if it was ok and gave me the best hug. He then stayed with us while we waited for the play to start, introduced himself to and charmed my children. Charmed me. Again.
When the play was over and I turned my cell back on, I found the following text message (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I gave him my phone number):
This is ____. I hope this is not inappropriate seeing how I fell off
the earth, but I am happy about your submission, your son is wonderful and you
are as beautiful as when I first saw you at the library. I hope we can
talk.
Now I know myself well enough to know that I would never knowingly get involved with a married man. I also know that I had no business giving that man my phone number. I sorta kinda justified it in my head because he is a published author and playwrite and I know he was interested in hearing about my current projects. I felt a part of me melt when he told me he'd been having writer's block for the past couple years and the therapist in me wanted to offer a sounding board. Part of me wanted an opportunity to clear up a couple things. He looked at my son questioningly and asked a lot of questions about his age and such; truthfully, he and my son look alike, but of course, my baby is adopted.
Anyway, these are all excuses, I know that. I was crazy about this man. The kinda crazy that I know that I can never be anywhere private with him. Even knowing what I know, I'd jump his ass in a second. Y'all, I could not breathe and my heart kept jumping in and out of my chest cavity, down to my stomach, a little lower and then back again. He had my intellectual, emotional and sexual number and despite all that has transpired, not to mention his wife and two daughters, tonight, he took my breath away.
I need a reality check. That's why I'm writing all of this down. Maybe if I see my delusion in print, I might sober up. I'm also hoping that a couple of you will lovingly chastise me to stay on the straight and narrow.
Help a sista out! This is not what I was looking for when I put my Love List out into the universe!
11 comments:
You know, there are just some people that get under your skin and stay there. I have one like that myself. And he's married now. Sigh. There's still a little corner of my heart that's waiting for him, though... however mean-spirited and irrational it might be.
I think what you have here is a heart and a head problem. Let your heart feels what it feels for him. That's fine. But your head knows -- unless his relationship is completely over with his wife (and not that "we're getting separated" BS that some guys pull) -- it's just not in the cards for you.
You deserve more than a man who's only with you on the sly. You deserve a man who will put his love for you in the spotlight and shout it from the rooftops. You deserve more than this man can give you right now.
I know what you are going through to a degree. Mine's isn't married but, breaking free and staying away is so hard.
He calls the sound of his voice melts me. I see him I want him. At night I crave him even if it is only to be held.
I am confused. I am in love. Yet, I know he isn't good for me. Love doesn't hurt so bad.
We are like Lauryn Hill's song ex-factor.
Like Maggie said it's in my heart I want him but, in my head I know I need to let go.
He isn't worthy of you. You deserve what you put in your love list. You need to be with a man who wants you as his one and only and who is your one and only.
Girl, I swear I understand how you feel but, letting go now will save you so much heartache in the future.
Maggie and Sharon,
Thank you both so much. . . you gave me just what I needed. I feel guilty allowing my heart the freedom to love him, even though I know it's my head and behavior that would actually cause the trouble.
It's also hard because he is pursuing me again. I started receiving text messages about 8 am this morning, "good morning" "thinking about you" "hoping we can talk". His last message was a request to take my son and I out for coffee this afternoon. Fortunately, I dodged that bullet.
Maybe I should've invited the men into this conversation. I don't understand why he would pursue me this way. I mean, I think I'm a pretty phenomenal woman but I'm not irresistable. You have no intentions of leaving your family, and I wouldn't want you if you did, but then you're texting me at 8 o'clock on a Saturday morning?
I feel like I'm fighting two battles: resisting my own desire to get close to him again and fighting against his attempts to pull me back in.
Ideally, I would like to just talk to him over the phone or IM. Face to face contact is too much, even with my child as chaperone. And then I don't want to expose my child to someone who will not be around.
So, I know I deserve better. I want better. I don't know how to get him out of my heart, so I won't try. Fortunately, I've moved to a new location since we were together, so I won't have to worry about casual drop-bys and I will do my level best to limit my contact.
Thanks again ladies.
There are so few men in the world who can light your fire in this way, so to speak. And that feeling is so wonderful and addictive, like a drug. This guy is messing with your mind big time! Married and just wants to talk, not likely! He knows the power he has over you and is using it for his own little power trip. No doubt he has feelings for you, both emotional and physical. Best to let this one go, it can only bring heartache.
Mary, I do feel like I'm drug when he's around. Like I'm watching myself from the outside, helpless to stop myself from saying and doing stupid things.
And I don't doubt that he has genuine feelings for me, that's kinda what makes it harder. I wish there was some way that we could be just friends. He feels like he should be a part of my life, but I can't do that when I still picture him naked and remember all the spots that make him scream.
It is hard to be friends with someone who everytime you hear his voice you want him or you think about all the times you all spent alone.
It begins to hurt.
And for me it upsets me to the point of tears.
And Mary63 is right about how he knows he has power over you. And he uses it.
Those sweet messages, or the phone calls where he sneaks in loving comments or thoughtful ones.
And you know you will only get hurt.
Girl, I'm going through something and I better leave before I post in your comment spot.
Sharon, obviously you and I need to talk.
So, I decided to take a proactive stance about this situation and I initiated contact today. My intentions were to talk about what happened and set clear boundaries about what will happen from this point forward.
I forgot who I was dealing with. He's much more skilled at this game than I am. And at the end of the conversation, he would have me thinking it was perfectly reasonable to fall in love with and spend time with a married man!!
"After all, it was your mind that drew me to you, it was never about the sex."
Yeah, ok, right! Well, to some extent he's right, we spend a lot of time talking. But he also understands his appeal for me. He knows darn well that I'm not gonna spend extensive, intense time with him and not want to get horizontal, vertical, diagonal or upside down. Come on!! Who's kidding who?
I'm already in over my head and I've gotten a hug and a kiss on the cheek!!
I think I'm gonna pack my kid and dogs and move to Tanzania.
Been there and I've done it quite a few times.
I was there today girl...
I always try to center after a man has disturbed my peacefulness. I write down my goals for my life, my love life and then I write down how he will compliment IF HE WILL COMPLIMENT.
That's what I HAVE to do or I will get caught up... the chocolate brown skin, the locks, his height.
I do some self-talk on how I'm feeling at the moment (needy, horny, lonely) and see if I must seek him or chocolate, some red wine, a good book, masturbation... LOL
I hope this helps. LOL
I think the shock of his unexpected presence Friday night brought back all of these unresolved feelings at his abandonment and deception.
Today, the reality of my life has re-asserted itself and the idea of expending one more ounce of my precious emotional energy on someone who practices deceit on a regular basis just offends me.
He is still all that and a bag of chips, don't get me wrong on that point, but if I choose to, he is fully prepared to pick up just where we left off.
This suggests a couple things to me: 1) he does not perceive his behavior as 'wrong', and 2) I'd be a delusional idiot to assume that I am the only one he has "on the side."
As I type, the rose colored, horny glasses have been removed and I see things for what they are. I like him, no, I've got love for him, but if I had him, I wouldn't be happy. I would've just taken the place left by his wife.
Nah, not for me.
Thanks, y'all.
Wow... see there! That's how life should always be.
Congratulations to the Grown Woman you.
Oooo Lawd, I truly feel like I've been drugged the past few days. And now that my bloodstream is clear once again, man, all kinds of things have been brought back to my remembrance!!
I really appreciate each of you for your feedback and support these last few days. In your own unique ways, you help to drive away the fog and reminded me that while I may be single and alone, I am a long way from lonely.
Ok, meeting adjourned. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
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