Living, Love and Infidelity

Ships at a distance have every man's wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.

Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly. (from Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston).

This is one of my favorite novels. Ms. Hurston brilliantly describes the inspiring story of Janie Crawford, a black woman who refuses to live lost in sorrow, bitterness, fear or foolish romantic dreams.

We need more Janie Crawfords, truly we do; or more of us need to take on her attitude about life. My younger brother was tragically killed in 1996; I feel his loss almost as keenly today as I did the moment I was informed of his death. My beloved grandmother, my most favorite person in the whole world, then went home to glory in 2002. I miss not being able to share my son with her. Their losses taught me how to focus on life and love and everything in between and to treasure the time that I have, right now! Right now is all we got!!

People who know me well will confirm that I rarely complain about anything. Not because things are so perfect for me, but because I have learned that when I feel dissatisfied about something, that's my clue to do something; either to change/fix the problem or change my perception of the problem. This is my approach to family problems, problems on the job, parenting, and most especially in my relationships.

It's blowing through the wind now. My blog friend Mike, is also exploring this topic today and a quick glance at his reader comments suggests that men and women have different ideas about this issue. A real life friend of mine just discovered her husband's extensive, blatant infidelity; she's has renamed him, "Man-hoe." His response to her confrontation? "Aw, that was nothing; don't worry, I'm not going anywhere, we're going to work this out."

So if I may paraphrase (and take some liberties with) Ms Hurston , men are always looking to the horizon for the next best thing or dream, and women spend their time trying to forget the things that prevent them from pursuing their dreams.

Cheating or infidelity is a betrayal. A betrayal to your vows, a betrayal to your partner and a betrayal to yourself. Period. Cheaters are cowards and like cowards, choose avoidance rather than confrontation to solve problems. Ask me if I feel strongly about this.

My friend's husband didn't even make the attempt to say that he wouldn't cheat again and my friend is trying to figure out if it's worth the effort for her to force him out of her house and her life. But then she calls, emails, IM's and texts me that she can't stand to be around him and that she has a lump in her throat that she can't get rid of. She doesn't want to be alone and yet remaining in this toxic relationship prevents her from finding the one who may be able to cherish her in the way she deserves.

Ok, in my head, it's real clear, shit or get off the pot! If his infidelity is the deal breaker for you; leave his ass! If not, then stop complaining about it and settle in. In my mind, I don't see the need to wait on what HE will do; my girl needs to make a decision based on what's best for HER.

Life is too short to be miserable!! Living one's life surrounded by bitterness and regret is not living. People who are unhappy in their relationships have other choices than infidelity (that's both MEN and women). 1) you can choose to honor your vows and do what you can to work it out, 2) or if you decide that being with this person no longer meets your needs, tell them and find a civil way to walk away.