Satan has been whispering in my ear this weekend. I really should've expected this recent attack; my house is becoming peaceful again, and he just has to muck with me about something! This time, he has chosen to get to me through temptation.
Most of the time, I am a self-disciplined person. I take responsibility for my actions and I act according to whether I want to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have a couple friends that repeatedly tell me that I need to relax a bit, and you may feel that way too, but I have developed this strategy of behaving for a reason.
I'm not a good girl.
I know I look that way. I have spent years cultivating this act; sometimes it's so good that I even fool myself. But, between you and me, if I didn't take control of my nature. . . well, let's just say, bad things could happen.
As I said, satan has been burning up my ear this weekend.
Married dude is overall, a good guy. Outgoing personality, friendly, loving father. Despite his calls and texts over the past couple months, he has kept it clean and has not pushed any real barriers.
This weekend, I started it. I threw out the first provocative comment, I am the queen of sexual innuendo and he is the king. I opened the door and he stepped right up to the threshold.
The only thing that stopped me from yanking him all the way through was 1) all of my smack talk was done through texts (gave me a little distance), 2) he does not know where I live (and because we weren't face to face, I resisted the impulse to tell him); and 3) I had not arranged for a sitter.
I'm writing down this pitiful confession because I need to come clean with myself and y'all might help to keep me honest. In an earlier post, I asked about needing the right words to make him leave me alone. I really didn't. I just need to deal with me.
I'm not interested in a relationship with him. Even without a wife and kids, he has some serious character flaws that I know I would be unable to tolerate in the long run. But he has something that I need (and no, I'm not going for the obvious!).
My last relationship ended about a year or so ago. Good man, good father, good provider. He was attracted to my "good girl" persona, which I encouraged, but after awhile, I started giving hints for him to dig a little deeper. He wasn't buying it though.
The beginning of the end of our relationship occurred one night while we were out with friends at a nightclub for a night of jazz. I felt inspired to show him how much I loved him and invited him to join me in the ladies' room, or men's room, at that point I wasn't particular. His face went through a series of changes. . . initially a naughty smile, then shock, and finally disgust when he realized I was perfectly serious. On another occasion, while on vacation, I tried to seduce him on the balcony of our 19th floor, ocean front hotel room. Mind you, this was a little tame for me, but I thought this would be a good compromise for him. He ran inside and grabbed a blanket to cover my nakedness and then began to lecture me on propriety.
I couldn't be myself and he did not want to know the real me.
But married dude?
He was right there with me. In fact, there were at least a couple times, he made my jaw dropped. (I quickly recovered though). He embraced all the loving I had to give and taught me how to even take it up another notch.
That was before I knew he belonged to someone else, of course.
I've been in good girl mode since that last relationship. I'm not willing to subjugate my nature again; I prefer to wait for the right one to come along. In the relationship I felt stifled and was led to believe that my desires, which I had only for him, made me 'nasty' or 'unclean' somehow. This only led to resentment, on both our parts.
But I realize now that I'm giving missed messages; because I need more than what my persona implies. Which made me just ripe for the picking for married dude's latest arrival.
So, obviously, I need to modify my Love List a little more. I don't think I actually said he would have to be single, so I'm saying it now. #102: Must be single. I implied that I needed someone sexually adventurous, but maybe I need to state that more clearly also. #103: Must be sexually adventurous and willing to embrace my "bad girl."
I also need to drop, or at least, lower my good girl act when in mixed company; I've been doing it so long though, that I don't always recognize it until it's too late.
I know my man is out there. I'm not looking for him in Married Dude, or any other attached nut (pun intended).
But, boo, I'm thinking that this would be a really good time for you to show yourself, before I get into real trouble.
American association of cancer researchers
3 years ago
9 comments:
Well I am not one to talk as a professional sinner.
But you might want to give married dude a little space.
As for your ex, I am sorry but it is a good thing that fell apart, there is a diference in being a good man and being a prude.
a woman better not joke me about balcony's and restrooms, i'll call her bluff every time.
I know what it is . . .well at least for me. I was talking to another blooger about this on the phone yesterday.
It is because I get bored. So one thing to do is pick up the phone and entertain someone who I am not truly interested in or I know I shouldn't be bothered with.
Second, I am one who craves attention from men. So, if I don't have one (boyfriend) I allow myself to get it from those who I should shun attention from.
I am fighting both my shortcomings by trying not to focus on them. If I get bored play a game, pick up a book, write.
And if I get lonely find something to take my mind off of it.
Put on some music and dance.
Anthing to fight temptation.
Mike: that was the problem. I was not bluffing!
But you're right, I'm going to place Married Dude back on IGNORE status.
Sharon: That's exactly right, I need a distraction. There's no law that says I have to answer his every call or text. But when I do, it makes me feel so good. After I got his last, "Just say the word and I'll be right there", I was so sexually wired, I felt like I'd been mainlining coke!
Oh, I have to fight my inner bad girl, too. The thing is, we get something from relationships like these. As much as we don't want it to, it feels good. It feels good to have someone who you're crazily attracted to be attracted to you as well. It's chemistry.
But, as you know, simple chemistry isn't enough for the long haul.
No, Maggie, sexual chemistry is not enough; when it's combined with love, compatibility and friendship, it's awesome.
I don't want to cheat myself out of this, ergo, Married Dude gets put back on IGNORE. I'm doing my best to avoid face to face contact; at least until I get my libido under better control, but I think I lost a little ground this weekend.
I wish they still made chastity belts!
Wow... your ex is a male Prudence. Ewwww - LOL
I understand your attachment to Mr. Married Man and good sex is crazy hard to find. GURL I KNOW!
Your Mr. Man will show up, prudence exempt. You just need to keep yourself free of drama & clutter and be patient.
MsKnowItAll: I am doing my darndest to keep my life drama free; I really need a distraction, so I'm working on that too!
Girl, Mr Prudence was a mess!! When he started to try to make me feel bad for loving him my way, I knew it was time to move on.
Embrace yourself! Don't let anyone change you, because there is someone out there who will appreciate all you have to offer. *pun intended*
Yep, Leave married man alone. He probably has many more women on the side. He has proved he can't be trusted by being married, period.
Chemistry is hard to find and hard to fight. When you have chemistry with someone it is a force to be reckoned with.
KayC: I am trying to resist chemistry, really, I am, but I'm also fighting against the memories I had of him when I thought he was mine. I'll be glad when I get the two sides of him straight!
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