Oh what a relief it is. . .

Some of you may be familiar with the saying, "Doctors make the worst patients." I used to think that what made them such bad patients was an unwillingness to release control and to allow another professional to step in and do his/her job. I've since come to know better.

I haven't posted on our therapy sessions recently, mostly because there's not much to add. We are in the 'process' phase of treatment, that is, going through the difficult change process and changing dysfunctional behavior patterns. I knew that Theraplay would not yield quick, immediate results, so I'm not disappointed. Indeed, our most recent efforts have been to recover ground lost during those short but impactful weeks in the school baby jail.

When I made the decision to begin family therapy, there was a conscious choice on my part to relinquish all control to whichever professional I chose to work with; this is why it took me so long to settle on a therapist. I tend to be a little on the bossy side, so please appreciate what a difficult choice that was for me. I commited that I would not second guess any recommendations and that I would at least attempt to implement any and all suggestions . . . at least before disagreeing.

Here's why I think doctors and clinicians made difficult patients. It's not so much that we fail to relinquish control, I think it's because once we do, we engage in the same bad behaviors that many of our own patients do, perhaps acting just a little bit worse because we know better than most where the benefit comes in.

Therapy is a sacred place. It is intended to be one of the few places that one can express internal ugliness, insecurities, evil thoughts, whatever, and not be judged or held accountable for them. I believe that this process is necessary for a couple reasons: 1) you either act out in therapy or you act out in real life, but one way or another, those feelings will be expressed. For me, therapy is the safer option, and 2) it is only through working through and looking at the ugliness and dysfunction, that true change can begin.

Ok, so I said all that to confess that I've been acting out in therapy. Our therapist has gotten quite frustrated with me at times, mostly because I think she thinks I should know better. But to my way of thinking, she can't have it both ways. Either I maintain control and I tell her how to treat us, or I let go and take on all the privileges associated with being the client!

She is a very bright woman. At some point, she's gonna figure out that my acting out is a reflection of the trust that I have entrusted to her; trust to take care of us and get us through this process. Even though she gets frustrated, she hasn't given up on us , and I have pushed her hard, at least twice. She'll also come to understand that my acting out is limited to our "sacred" space, and because I have had this much needed release, I'm much more tolerant and understanding at home.

Nonetheless, y'all keep our family therapist in your prayers. She's gonna need them!