Forgiveness

I have been struggling with the concept for awhile. People generally consider me to be pretty laid back. I'm the one folk turn to when others are losing their heads. I rarely lose my temper and most of the time, I could care less what folk think about me or whether they approve of what I do or not. I just do me. . . you either deal with it or not. Your choice. So, casual strangers rarely get under my skin, even acquaintances or work colleagues have to work really hard to even get me irritated. You have to know that you are either family or close, intimate friends to get any kind of strong emotional reaction out of me. That means you're close; this means you know where the bodies are buried, that means you know where I live!! So when someone this close hurts me, man, it runs deep, hard and long. And unfortunately, it may take me some time to recover.

I know in my heart that it does me no good to hold on to my hurts and resentments. I know that God wants me to release them and move on. The bible says that we should forgive a brother seven times 70, right? But I have been asking God to help me to forgive some deep hurts. It's not happened and the only way that I've been able to maintain even a semblance of peace is to avoid the ones who have offended me. Ok, some of you may be thinking, well, that's all right then? But what do you do when the one who needs your forgiveness is your mother? your sister and brother?? I'm not trying to go to hell because I've dishonored my parents, but, dang!! Until recently, I hadn't spoken to my mother in 2 years and my life has been so peaceful. I came to the realization that if we didn't share a bloodline, my mother would not be a person I would even like to know, sad, I know. But am I really demonstrating forgiveness through avoidance? Or am I punishing her for past misdeeds?? When I get mad or hurt just thinking about her, I start thinking that I really haven't forgiven.

So, how do I do this? I've come to understand that forgiveness is not designed for the other person. Forgiveness is required to allow us, me, to be free from our burdens. My family isn't suffering because my feeling are hurt. My avoidance of them have not stopped their lives one bit. It's me, it's for ME that I need to let this stuff go. So, my prayers have changed somewhat. I am now asking God to allow me to reduce my expectations for my family. I'm asking that he allows me to see them as they are and to accept them, limitations and all. I need to recognize that they will never become the family I need them to be. And when I think about it, God has already met my needs for a support system, I have really good friends and most importantly, I have HIM!! My earthly family may not, no scratch that, they CAN'T be the folk I need them to be, but God is constant, never changing and always sustaining. I believe that when I fully accept this, forgiveness will come, and like with most strangers, they will never be able to hurt me again.