Resurrection

Wow. I just realized that it's been more than a month since my last post. Things got a little bit worse for me, emotionally, and I realized that I seriously needed to just STOP. So, I stepped back from EVERYTHING for awhile and spent some serious "me" time, trying to sort through some unresolved issues and regaining my sense of self.

Sometimes, I think I seriously buy into the theory that I am Superwoman. And while I think I am a "super" woman, I don't have any super powers and I need to recognize that from time to time.

So, I stopped. No blogging, writing, exercising, or socializing. I stopped trying to solve my family and friend's problems and struggles and focused all of my attention on mine. This was probably the hardest part of my break, because the people in my world are used to me being open to them anytime, any place. But, dag, y'all, my plate was FULL! And I didn't have anyone to empty my load on. So, a few feelings have been hurt.

I narrowed my focus down to my child and my job. The phones were disconnected and the inbox in my email got larger and larger. I got my cry on, a lot. . . often. . .multiple occasions. . . as often as it took for me to fully release. To some, this might seem extreme, and it probably is, but for me, it was just the thing I needed to regain control over my emotions and thoughts and regain my connection to God, and subsequently, peace.

I celebrated my birthday in March on the Gulf coast with my "boys", walking up and down the beach, collecting shells and allowing myself to be pampered and fussed over. We recently traveled again to Huntsville AL to the NASA Space Museum, with my son's Cub Scout troop. Now, one could ask how traveling with a group of 7-10 years old be relaxing, but kids this age are just so much fun to me. Listening to their excited chatter and joy in just being, was like manna from heaven and a balm to my soul.

I have missed my blog buddies and I'll probably spend the next couple days catching up on everything I've missed. I pray that all have been well with you and despite my absence, you were never far from my thoughts.

No tears

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have self-diagnosed myself with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been really please this season because I have worked really hard not to give in to the sadness and withdrawal that typically overtakes me in the dark winter months.

In fact, just two days ago, I was telling a friend "all you gotta do is keep busy and maintain your focus outside of yourself. THAT's the key."

Oh, how wrong I was.

See, I'm a crier. I am a firm believer in the healing properties of a good cry. Don't get me wrong, I'm not running around my office crying every time I can't have my way; didn't say I was a "cry baby", just a crier. I release my stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, joy, love, whatever emotion, you name it, I typically express it through my tears.

I can't remember the last time I cried. When we were going through the stress at the school, I was mad as hell, but no tears. When struggles came up in my love life, I threw tantrums and cajoled or ignored, but no tears. A co-worker or two have been gently cussed out, but no tears. My mother did her best to ruin our Christmas, I assertively told her to put satan behind her, but no tears.

Monday, I received a call that a close friend, an elderly gentleman in my church passed away Sunday. He wasn't blood family, but he was the sweetest, most genuine person I have met in a long time. I admired his dignity in coping with his illness, his faith in God. I admired the love and dedication he shared with his wife, who was perhaps 20 years his junior. My son also adored him. Anyway, he died at home Sunday afternoon, just the way he wanted.

My response? No tears.

As I type, I can think of multiple other stressors that have emerged over the past 4 or 5 months. Nothing major, but when they accumulate, and here's the key, WITHOUT release, eventually your mind and body will call HALT!

Monday night, mine did.

I woke up about midnite in the middle of an anxiety attack. For those of you who have not experienced this, it was the most frightening thing ever. I've never had one before. I have worked with people who have them, I have read and studied them, but never had the unique *ahem* pleasure myself.

I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't catch my breath, I felt a weight pressing down on my chest, my hands were trembling. At one point my left arm was hurting and, well, I started crying then, because I was convinced that I was about to die and that my son would have to find me in the morning and I knew he would not know what to do or how to cope.

I was a mess.

Anyway, at some point I realized that this was anxiety; tried meditation and deep breathing. All the stuff I teach my clients to do in this case. None of it worked. I finally fell into a shallow sleep after taking a Benadryl and a Mojito. (I hope none of my clients ever read this).

I spoke to one of my colleagues when I got to work Tuesday morning and was prescribed (temporarily) something to take the edge off and then was ordered home to do nothing but cry.

I took the meds, but unfortunately, didn't go home or take the time for the cry. Which is how I got myself into this mess to begin with. But I didn't want to scare my son with the kind of crying I needed to do. But he will be away from home for awhile today, so I'll start my *therapy* then.

The funeral is Saturday and we'll go and say our goodbyes. And then I think we're going to take a road trip. The beach may be calling us this weekend. Keep us in your prayers.

I'm still choosing

You know, sometimes it does not pay to tell some folk about good things that are happening in your life, or even just to express your satisfaction with life in general. I don't know if this is a reflection of the universe trying to restore balance, satan just f'ing with me, or haters and their life philosophy of misery loving company.

Yesterday, it seemed that everywhere I turned I was faced with negativity and funky attitudes, with people trying extra hard to show me how little I mattered to them. At one point, I realized that I had an awful knot in the pit of my stomach, found myself fighting back tears and was overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness and sadness.

So, I went back and re-read my previous post and was reminded that I alone am responsible for my happiness and that happiness is a choice, not based on a feeling or a certain set of circumstances. And it did the trick. I shook that isht off, turned my phone off, made myself invisible on IM and ignored all but positive emails. I then snuggled up on the couch with my child and two dogs; yes, we were all under the covers together, laughing and generally feeling good about being with each other, watching Madagascar 2: Back to Africa.

I'm still choosing to be happy; sadness and depression is not an option.

So, to any and all who think to bring negative energy into my world today: