Don't ask why, just enjoy a good laugh!!!
American association of cancer researchers
3 years ago
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Exciting times
First, I was informed today that I have been promoted into a new position at my job!! Yayy! This totally unexpected. The company has been downsizing and tightening up pursestrings lately; in fact, one of our satellite clinics is scheduled for closure tomorrow and the staff and clients will be informed for the first time then. So, if I gave any thought to changes in my future employment, it would have been that I would be getting a pink slip soon given that I've been working here less than 6 months.
The new position will involve me creating a new department from the ground up and possibly having at least some say in the people that will be working with me. I've got to tie up some loose ends in my current position, but will be able to start in my new post in about 2 weeks.
Second, my playa card was revoked this morning. I had a golden opportunity to make my intentions known to my current crush last night. . . and I blew it! He unexpectedly showed up at my house with some other friends, and I found that I could not wrap two words together to sjay to him. Dumbstruck!! He even gave me an opening by hanging back after the other friends were moving to the car and I just stood there and smiled, like an idiot. My co-worker is the one who revoked the card,
"Not you??!! What about all that clever, funny stuff you be telling ME to say? Uh-uh. . . I'm taking it back."
Well, the only thing I can say in my own defense is that I was totally taken off guard at his appearance, and something about seeing him in my home space was . . . I don't even have the words. Oh, well. . . I did get a nice hug though ;-)
Third, my son sang in the Children's choir yesterday and did his mama PROUD! He was the only one singing directly into the microphone and doing all of the choreographed hand gestures they had been taught. You know I took a ton of pictures, right? Please indulge this mama for just a moment. (That's my Heart and Soul in the blue striped shirt).
And finally, somewhere in the next 24 to 48 hours, I should hear something about the short story I submitted to a local magazine contest. Please keep me in your prayers!!
The new position will involve me creating a new department from the ground up and possibly having at least some say in the people that will be working with me. I've got to tie up some loose ends in my current position, but will be able to start in my new post in about 2 weeks.
Second, my playa card was revoked this morning. I had a golden opportunity to make my intentions known to my current crush last night. . . and I blew it! He unexpectedly showed up at my house with some other friends, and I found that I could not wrap two words together to sjay to him. Dumbstruck!! He even gave me an opening by hanging back after the other friends were moving to the car and I just stood there and smiled, like an idiot. My co-worker is the one who revoked the card,
"Not you??!! What about all that clever, funny stuff you be telling ME to say? Uh-uh. . . I'm taking it back."
Well, the only thing I can say in my own defense is that I was totally taken off guard at his appearance, and something about seeing him in my home space was . . . I don't even have the words. Oh, well. . . I did get a nice hug though ;-)
Third, my son sang in the Children's choir yesterday and did his mama PROUD! He was the only one singing directly into the microphone and doing all of the choreographed hand gestures they had been taught. You know I took a ton of pictures, right? Please indulge this mama for just a moment. (That's my Heart and Soul in the blue striped shirt).
And finally, somewhere in the next 24 to 48 hours, I should hear something about the short story I submitted to a local magazine contest. Please keep me in your prayers!!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Women As Friends
There was a discussion thread on a website I follow that asked the question about why it is so difficult for women, post late adolescence, to initiate and maintain friendships with each other. The responses varied; some commented on how women start to see each other as competitors, others have problems with low self-esteem, and then some commented about how, as women get older and start living their lives with husbands, boyfriends, children, careers, we stop making our female friendships a priority.
I think there's probably truth in each of these points of view. It makes me sad though; I miss making new friends and having new adventures. I remember when, as a late teen and in early adulthood, making new friends was easy and possible wherever you go. All you needed was a common interest and/or goal, and ta-daa!! BFF!!
These days, I'm lucky to get a solid "howdy-doo" in my day to day interactions with women. I have two friendships that have survived more than 20 years. We don't see each other daily or even talk on a regular basis, but the love I share with these women is just as solid now as it was when it first arrived. I like having the longevity of these relationships. It's nice to be able to share stories and memories with someone who was THERE!
"'Memba that time we went to the Gentlemen's Club? You still thinkin' bout dancing?"
"Have you heard from whassisname lately? Whateva happened to him?"
"Girl, how yo' mama doing? Tell her I said 'hey'" "You betta get over there and tell her yourself. She was just asking 'bout you the other day."
These friendships, based on a lifetime of shared memories, create ties that are as tight, perhaps even tighter, as blood. And I wouldn't trade either of them for the world.
But still, wouldn't it be nice to be at the coffee shop or bookstore, start a conversation about Tananarive Due's latest supernatural thriller, exchange phone numbers, meet for coffee again, and then just start down a new path with a new friend, based on that common interest? Not worrying about someone's jealousy that you'll flirt with their man or that you make more money, have more education or look better than they do? Wouldn't that be nice?
So, what stops us?
I think there's probably truth in each of these points of view. It makes me sad though; I miss making new friends and having new adventures. I remember when, as a late teen and in early adulthood, making new friends was easy and possible wherever you go. All you needed was a common interest and/or goal, and ta-daa!! BFF!!
These days, I'm lucky to get a solid "howdy-doo" in my day to day interactions with women. I have two friendships that have survived more than 20 years. We don't see each other daily or even talk on a regular basis, but the love I share with these women is just as solid now as it was when it first arrived. I like having the longevity of these relationships. It's nice to be able to share stories and memories with someone who was THERE!
"'Memba that time we went to the Gentlemen's Club? You still thinkin' bout dancing?"
"Have you heard from whassisname lately? Whateva happened to him?"
"Girl, how yo' mama doing? Tell her I said 'hey'" "You betta get over there and tell her yourself. She was just asking 'bout you the other day."
These friendships, based on a lifetime of shared memories, create ties that are as tight, perhaps even tighter, as blood. And I wouldn't trade either of them for the world.
But still, wouldn't it be nice to be at the coffee shop or bookstore, start a conversation about Tananarive Due's latest supernatural thriller, exchange phone numbers, meet for coffee again, and then just start down a new path with a new friend, based on that common interest? Not worrying about someone's jealousy that you'll flirt with their man or that you make more money, have more education or look better than they do? Wouldn't that be nice?
So, what stops us?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Love List, concluded
Your Love Life is Like Casablanca |
 "Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time." For you, love is never finished. If you've loved someone once, you'll always love them. You're an old fashioned romantic... even if your relationships don't end up as romantic as you'd like. Your love style: Traditional and understated Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Complicated and ambiguous |
Well, hopefully my Hollywood ending won't be too complicated and ambiguous . . . I gotta admit, though, that I do like 'complicated'.
I am finally completing my Love List 100. It's been fun and enlightening and I am eagerly anticipating what the universe will blow my way.
So, here they are, the final 5:
96. He is funny and has a great sense of humor
97. He is able to laugh at himself and doesn't mind acting goofy at times in public
98. He takes his responsibility as a role model seriously, works with young men in the church and community, setting a standard for manhood.
99. He leaves romantic notes and/or poems in my briefcase or around the house, just because.
100. He proudly tells any and all who listens, that I am his!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Complex characters
I am an observer of human nature, increasingly so lately, I suppose, as I'm trying to gain some clarity in order to more realistically "draw" characters in my writing. I tend to examine not only the people around me, but myself as well; examining behavior, wondering about motivations and fears. While I may never fully know the in's and outs, or wherefores, hows and whys of why people do the things that they do I am coming to understand that people are a lot more complex and deeper than most realize.
I'll take myself as an example: people experience me differently depending on the context of our encounter and the nature of our relationship. For example, the person that I present at work or to the world at large, is different from the one that my son experiences. I display another aspect of me to my family of origin and close friends. Even the person that I know or think I know myself to be, is different from the person the average person thinks they know. They are all me, not fake. But one cannot fully understand WHO I am based on my behavior or responses in one setting. I am neither of those aspects alone, but the real me is the combination of all of those faces and personas.
In my head, I picture myself as kind, compassionate, loving, loyal. I do my best to treat people fairly; I'm not a gossip, and I refuse to let people downgrade or insult the innocent or helpless in my presence. But, there are times, when I hear horrible words emerge from my mouth, or I'll respond so coldly to the wrong person at the wrong time, that I make Scarface look lukewarm. I know that most people have private and public faces; some more ugly than others. The sweetest person can behave in the most ugly of ways if approached on the wrong day and time; this duality is simply the nature of man.
Mad Men, a new original drama series on cable's AMC's, that I've spoken of before here, is a fine example of some writer's attempt to capture the richness of human complexity. I have a love/hate relationship with several of the characters on this show. I have been drawn into their lives and experience them as familiar people. Several of these characters, at least on first glance are reprehensible. Don Draper, one of the lead characters is an old school misogynist. He regularly and routinely cheats on his wife, he comes and goes as he feels like it, with little apparent regard for the people around him. He considers women to be his reward for his hard work, and for Don, there is a clear delineation between women you marry and women you f#*k!
And just as you are about to dismiss him as a rat, you observe his acts of kindness to underdogs. He adores his children and is a loving father. He speaks kindly and respectfully to the black janitors and waiters who serve him, talking to them as people, not as invisible arms and legs. He rescues one of his single, female staffers who becomes pregnant. And on one occasion, threatens to physically hurt a man who was making a bawdy joke in the presence of a middle aged woman in an elevator. Yes, he can behave like a pig, but unless you're looking carefully, you might miss the humanity behind this facade.
Now, I recognize that this program is drama, the reflection of one or a group of people's imaginings, however, there is truth here, like in the adage, 'Art Imitates Life'. I recognize the truth that I need to infuse into the characters I write. But I can also see the value in holding this truth close in my day to day interactions with others. It doesn't make sense to make global judgments about people based on one or two isolated incidents. These will not fully define the person you're looking at. The answer, like the question is much more complex.
I'll take myself as an example: people experience me differently depending on the context of our encounter and the nature of our relationship. For example, the person that I present at work or to the world at large, is different from the one that my son experiences. I display another aspect of me to my family of origin and close friends. Even the person that I know or think I know myself to be, is different from the person the average person thinks they know. They are all me, not fake. But one cannot fully understand WHO I am based on my behavior or responses in one setting. I am neither of those aspects alone, but the real me is the combination of all of those faces and personas.
In my head, I picture myself as kind, compassionate, loving, loyal. I do my best to treat people fairly; I'm not a gossip, and I refuse to let people downgrade or insult the innocent or helpless in my presence. But, there are times, when I hear horrible words emerge from my mouth, or I'll respond so coldly to the wrong person at the wrong time, that I make Scarface look lukewarm. I know that most people have private and public faces; some more ugly than others. The sweetest person can behave in the most ugly of ways if approached on the wrong day and time; this duality is simply the nature of man.
Mad Men, a new original drama series on cable's AMC's, that I've spoken of before here, is a fine example of some writer's attempt to capture the richness of human complexity. I have a love/hate relationship with several of the characters on this show. I have been drawn into their lives and experience them as familiar people. Several of these characters, at least on first glance are reprehensible. Don Draper, one of the lead characters is an old school misogynist. He regularly and routinely cheats on his wife, he comes and goes as he feels like it, with little apparent regard for the people around him. He considers women to be his reward for his hard work, and for Don, there is a clear delineation between women you marry and women you f#*k!
And just as you are about to dismiss him as a rat, you observe his acts of kindness to underdogs. He adores his children and is a loving father. He speaks kindly and respectfully to the black janitors and waiters who serve him, talking to them as people, not as invisible arms and legs. He rescues one of his single, female staffers who becomes pregnant. And on one occasion, threatens to physically hurt a man who was making a bawdy joke in the presence of a middle aged woman in an elevator. Yes, he can behave like a pig, but unless you're looking carefully, you might miss the humanity behind this facade.
Now, I recognize that this program is drama, the reflection of one or a group of people's imaginings, however, there is truth here, like in the adage, 'Art Imitates Life'. I recognize the truth that I need to infuse into the characters I write. But I can also see the value in holding this truth close in my day to day interactions with others. It doesn't make sense to make global judgments about people based on one or two isolated incidents. These will not fully define the person you're looking at. The answer, like the question is much more complex.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Another Family Weekend
This was another busy weekend for us. My 12 year old niece competed with her dance group at our regional fair's Youth Talent Contest. Unfortunately, they did not pass through this preliminary round. While they are good, (my niece in particularly is phenomenal!), there were quite a few talented kids performing and the judges obviously chose wrong!! Anyway, my niece was ok with the outcome. She is used to performing and has a philosophical view about contests,
"Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. Right now, I'm tired and hungry, let's go."
(My 11 and 12 year old nieces, my sister and son)
Later, my brother's daughters, my older set of nieces, dropped by for a quick visit. They have already started on the next generation. I tease my brother about being a grandfather at such a young age. Me? I'm still just "auntie"!!!
(my beautiful nieces!!)
By late Saturday afternoon, my son had had his fill of all the female chatter and gossip, and was begging to hang with my nephews. When he couldn't go, he went to his room and closed the door. Po tang!
"Sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. Right now, I'm tired and hungry, let's go."
(My 11 and 12 year old nieces, my sister and son)
Later, my brother's daughters, my older set of nieces, dropped by for a quick visit. They have already started on the next generation. I tease my brother about being a grandfather at such a young age. Me? I'm still just "auntie"!!!
(my beautiful nieces!!)
By late Saturday afternoon, my son had had his fill of all the female chatter and gossip, and was begging to hang with my nephews. When he couldn't go, he went to his room and closed the door. Po tang!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Wake Up!!
This blog is not a political commentary, at least, not overtly, but there are times when Ijust feel the need to speak up. These past couple weeks, events have taken place in our country that scare the heck out of me. How in the world does the mindset of racial prejudice continue to exist in the 21st century? This country is composed of hundreds and thousands of subgroups. The arrogance involved in a group to assume that they are superior to all the other groups, based on nothing more than skin color and dna astounds me!
I am saddened that there are people who think this mess is funny and clever.
I am saddened that there is another group of people who choose to ignore the actual 'waffling" that takes place during this interview: Sarah Palin
Allright. We CAN do something about it. Register to Vote and then exercise your right to vote on election day.
Oh, and just in case I still haven't made my point, I'm inviting Spike Lee to close this out for me.
I am saddened that there are people who think this mess is funny and clever.
I am saddened that there is another group of people who choose to ignore the actual 'waffling" that takes place during this interview: Sarah Palin
Allright. We CAN do something about it. Register to Vote and then exercise your right to vote on election day.
Oh, and just in case I still haven't made my point, I'm inviting Spike Lee to close this out for me.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Deferred Dreams
What are the consequences of deferred dreams?
Dreams are the cornerstone of life. They give us a reason to get up in the morning and help to make life more palatable. Dreams nourish the spririt and soothe the soul. The Christian gets through life on earth by cherishing the hope of an eternity with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
Without dreams, there can be no hope. Without hope, life is misery. Misery paves the road to hell.
Every child is born with a dream. We start out in life, taking that first leap of faith with our eyes wide shut. Over time, life begins to barrage us with it's traps and snares; and that leap gets smaller and smaller. So, what happens to the person with dreams when life throws a curve ball? What happens to you then?
One day you're playing short stop in the now famous negro baseball league. You've been travelling around the country, relishing in your freedom. Thriving on the adulation of sports fans all over the country. Your dream propelled you to shoot for the stars and eventually, play for the national league, following in the steps of Jackie Robinson.
One day, you're in college. The first in your family to even enroll. Your mother only has a 4th grade education, but she has sacrificed everything to get you where you are today. You have been offered a position in New York city, an opportunity to sweep the dust of back country Mississippi roads off your feet and never look back. You've already completed a summer internship and the sights, smells and sounds of the Big Apple gnaw at you each and every day as you long for the school year to be over so you can return.
And then the shoe drops.
She's pregnant. Abortion is not an option. He's already had one child out of wedlock; it pains him to produce another one. She's already helped to raise her 12 younger brothers and sisters. She wasn't even planning to have children until she was at least 30.
They wait. He begs; she hopes. He pleads; she prays.
They marry.
What happens when dreams are deferred? bitterness, anger, resentment, depression.
Fists swing; pans fly. Words sting; love dies.
Words that cut deeper than knives. Loneliness, isolation. Looking for release. Desperate for hope.
And then it comes. Another opportunity to finish college. A chance at a good paying job; the first house purchased.
She's pregnant again. He suggests abortion.
Fists swing; pans fly. Words sting; love is dead.
Dreams are the cornerstone of life. They give us a reason to get up in the morning and help to make life more palatable. Dreams nourish the spririt and soothe the soul. The Christian gets through life on earth by cherishing the hope of an eternity with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
Without dreams, there can be no hope. Without hope, life is misery. Misery paves the road to hell.
Every child is born with a dream. We start out in life, taking that first leap of faith with our eyes wide shut. Over time, life begins to barrage us with it's traps and snares; and that leap gets smaller and smaller. So, what happens to the person with dreams when life throws a curve ball? What happens to you then?
One day you're playing short stop in the now famous negro baseball league. You've been travelling around the country, relishing in your freedom. Thriving on the adulation of sports fans all over the country. Your dream propelled you to shoot for the stars and eventually, play for the national league, following in the steps of Jackie Robinson.
One day, you're in college. The first in your family to even enroll. Your mother only has a 4th grade education, but she has sacrificed everything to get you where you are today. You have been offered a position in New York city, an opportunity to sweep the dust of back country Mississippi roads off your feet and never look back. You've already completed a summer internship and the sights, smells and sounds of the Big Apple gnaw at you each and every day as you long for the school year to be over so you can return.
And then the shoe drops.
She's pregnant. Abortion is not an option. He's already had one child out of wedlock; it pains him to produce another one. She's already helped to raise her 12 younger brothers and sisters. She wasn't even planning to have children until she was at least 30.
They wait. He begs; she hopes. He pleads; she prays.
They marry.
What happens when dreams are deferred? bitterness, anger, resentment, depression.
Fists swing; pans fly. Words sting; love dies.
Words that cut deeper than knives. Loneliness, isolation. Looking for release. Desperate for hope.
And then it comes. Another opportunity to finish college. A chance at a good paying job; the first house purchased.
She's pregnant again. He suggests abortion.
Fists swing; pans fly. Words sting; love is dead.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Overcoming the High Places
The following was taken from a blog post from the pastor of my church, Pastor Thomas Murray. The message struck me as timely and I thought I'd share.
"Overcoming the High Places"
This past Sunday, part of my sermon focused on overcoming the high places in our lives. There is a word in 2 Kings 12: 2-3, that talks about how "King Joash did what pleased God for as long as Jehoida the high priest instructed him". In verse # 3 it states "the high places however were not removed; the people continued to offer sacrifices and burn incense there". How do we overcome those places in our lives that represents sin and separating from God? What do you do when you're trying to be faithful and you have not eliminated the High Places? High Places are strongholds that continue to attach themselves to us as we try to live right, High Places keeps us from walking in our God-given destiny, and living beneath the standard set by God. There is no set strategy, no 3 point plan for overcoming the High Places but we are encouraged in James 4:7 "to resist the devil and he will flee from us". I like the way The Message Bible by Eugene H. Peterson puts it "Yell aloud no to the devil and watch him scamper". Try that for today along with prayer and mean what you say and watch God help you overcome. And remember, Revelation 12:11 "We overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony"..
Be blessed,
Pastor Thomas Murray
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Heart Problems
I am a nerd. Always have been.
I was that kid in grade school that you popular kids teased and hated, because I always had my homework done, on time. I completed assignments early, and then asked for extra work. I remember spending my entire 8th and 9th grade years sneaking fiction and romance novels to school, reading from 7:30 am to 2:15 pm, all through lunch, appearing not to listen to a word that was being spoken in class and STILL making straight A's.
I was the kid whose parent's took them out of the public school setting and enrolled into a preparatory boarding school more than eight hours away from home at the tender age of 13. Not because I was a behavioral problem, but because the teachers and counselors convinced my parents that I was not being stimulated in a regular setting.
I loved school. I loved books. I loved learning new things and challenging myself intellectually. I loved talking to other like minded kids about esoteric or obscure philosophies and memorizing useless bits of trivia just so I could insert them into day to day conversation. At one point, I went to the dictionary each week to look for a new word that I could use. Not to prove that I was smarter than everyone else, but for the joy of hearing those $50 words passing through my 14 and 15 year old lips.
School was my place of escape. While at school, I could forget about the foolishness and dysfunction taking place in my home. At school, I was smart, articulate, confident, knowledgeable, and even witty, in a nerdy kind of way.
At home, I was an outcast. "You think you're better than everybody else." "You trying to be "white". "You ain't nuthin' but a n ___, and when you get through with all that education, you still gon be a n____." I heard about all the things I could never do. At home, I was schooled that the best I'd be able to do was to go to business school, get hired on at a factory or perhaps even at the community colleges as a secretary, and hope for a man who didn't beat me. Heck, the only reason I was supposed to go to college was to snare a husband!
Books became as close to me as friends. If I had a problem, I could always find a solution in a book. Barring that, books provided me a place of refuge or escape. At school and in my books, the only limitations on my future were those of my imagination. And my imagination is where I lived.
In my books and imaginings, I could ride horses, travel to foreign lands, meet wealthy princes and marry a man named Jared. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was supposed to be "my baby daddy. I knew EXACTLY how and when it was going to happen too! Freddy Mercury and I were gonna have an illicit affair until I discovered I was not built for the kind of speed he was interested in. Who knew? I went on safari in Africa and fell madly in love with my guide, who also just 'happened' to be a prince. (See a theme here?)
I have escaped inside my head to avoid conflict and misery for most of my life. This survival strategy helped me to cope with a difficult childhood. However, the more I tried to escape, the more misery that was pored on my head. Remember the books? I came home one afternoon to find that my mother had thrown away close to 100 of my books into the dumpster. She was angry with me over some minor thing that I can't remember now. I was hysterical! She couldn't have hurt me more if she had made me walk over hot coals. Fortunately, my uncle came by for a visit and, finding me inconsolable, made her give them back.
When stressed, I want to escape. I want to pretend, just for a little while that I am somewhere and someone else. However, when I do this now all I get is more chaos and confusion. It's not working anymore.
So, the nerd is back at work again, plotting and planning how to confront and take on life stressors as they come rather than running away from them. I know I can do it. I've always been able to accomplish whatever I set my mind and imagination to. I've already started my research, collecting books and reading articles online; seeking out ways to solve my current dilemma.
But here's the thing: while I am confident and comfortable in my intellect and in applying logic to difficult problems, I don't think I"m going to be able to reason this one through. This isn't a head problem, it's a heart problem and it is in THIS arena that I am a functional retard.
I was that kid in grade school that you popular kids teased and hated, because I always had my homework done, on time. I completed assignments early, and then asked for extra work. I remember spending my entire 8th and 9th grade years sneaking fiction and romance novels to school, reading from 7:30 am to 2:15 pm, all through lunch, appearing not to listen to a word that was being spoken in class and STILL making straight A's.
I was the kid whose parent's took them out of the public school setting and enrolled into a preparatory boarding school more than eight hours away from home at the tender age of 13. Not because I was a behavioral problem, but because the teachers and counselors convinced my parents that I was not being stimulated in a regular setting.
I loved school. I loved books. I loved learning new things and challenging myself intellectually. I loved talking to other like minded kids about esoteric or obscure philosophies and memorizing useless bits of trivia just so I could insert them into day to day conversation. At one point, I went to the dictionary each week to look for a new word that I could use. Not to prove that I was smarter than everyone else, but for the joy of hearing those $50 words passing through my 14 and 15 year old lips.
School was my place of escape. While at school, I could forget about the foolishness and dysfunction taking place in my home. At school, I was smart, articulate, confident, knowledgeable, and even witty, in a nerdy kind of way.
At home, I was an outcast. "You think you're better than everybody else." "You trying to be "white". "You ain't nuthin' but a n ___, and when you get through with all that education, you still gon be a n____." I heard about all the things I could never do. At home, I was schooled that the best I'd be able to do was to go to business school, get hired on at a factory or perhaps even at the community colleges as a secretary, and hope for a man who didn't beat me. Heck, the only reason I was supposed to go to college was to snare a husband!
Books became as close to me as friends. If I had a problem, I could always find a solution in a book. Barring that, books provided me a place of refuge or escape. At school and in my books, the only limitations on my future were those of my imagination. And my imagination is where I lived.
In my books and imaginings, I could ride horses, travel to foreign lands, meet wealthy princes and marry a man named Jared. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince was supposed to be "my baby daddy. I knew EXACTLY how and when it was going to happen too! Freddy Mercury and I were gonna have an illicit affair until I discovered I was not built for the kind of speed he was interested in. Who knew? I went on safari in Africa and fell madly in love with my guide, who also just 'happened' to be a prince. (See a theme here?)
I have escaped inside my head to avoid conflict and misery for most of my life. This survival strategy helped me to cope with a difficult childhood. However, the more I tried to escape, the more misery that was pored on my head. Remember the books? I came home one afternoon to find that my mother had thrown away close to 100 of my books into the dumpster. She was angry with me over some minor thing that I can't remember now. I was hysterical! She couldn't have hurt me more if she had made me walk over hot coals. Fortunately, my uncle came by for a visit and, finding me inconsolable, made her give them back.
When stressed, I want to escape. I want to pretend, just for a little while that I am somewhere and someone else. However, when I do this now all I get is more chaos and confusion. It's not working anymore.
So, the nerd is back at work again, plotting and planning how to confront and take on life stressors as they come rather than running away from them. I know I can do it. I've always been able to accomplish whatever I set my mind and imagination to. I've already started my research, collecting books and reading articles online; seeking out ways to solve my current dilemma.
But here's the thing: while I am confident and comfortable in my intellect and in applying logic to difficult problems, I don't think I"m going to be able to reason this one through. This isn't a head problem, it's a heart problem and it is in THIS arena that I am a functional retard.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Fun Weekend
We had a busy but fun weekend! We attended our neighborhood's annual street festival with friends (vendors, vendors, and more vendors!!) and then sorta kinda tailgated at a football game.
My nieces hung out with us Saturday and Sunday. We ended going with the youngest niece to see a production of "Oklahoma!". She is taking drama classes and so this was part of her assignment. My son and I just enjoyed the singing and dancing.
Return of the King - Aaron McGruder
Aaron McGruder is an incredible satirist. I watched this the other night and was blown away by the irony. At times, it seems that we have traveled so far, only to realize that we have only gotten as far as down the street.
Please vote.
Be careful, while funny (both ha-ha and ironic), it's harsh. If you're sensitive about Dr King, you might want to take a pass on this one.
Please vote.
Be careful, while funny (both ha-ha and ironic), it's harsh. If you're sensitive about Dr King, you might want to take a pass on this one.
Warning, rant ahead!!!
I will apologize in advance for this post. I have some family stress that I need to release. I like to think that I am over past hurts, that I have forgiven and forgotten and then something happens to remind me that at best, it's just a scabbed over wound. I have kept myself in emotional bondage by a lifetime of pretence that I was born and raised in a normal home. You know black folk don't talk about their mamas. If there is a problem, it has to be the child's perception and fault. This mindset has contributed to clinical depression off and on for several years of my adult life. But I'm done now.
My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I love her, she is my mother after all. But I am ashamed to admit that if we did not share blood, she would not be someone I would ever associate with. There, I said it.
Ok, so here is the latest in a long line of crap I have had to take from her over the years. Some may know that my son is adopted. Truly, the BEST decision of my entire life; we struggle at times, but I would make the same decision over and over again. I didn't ask my mother's permission to adopt (I was well into my adulthood and a fully functioning independent adult, and so I didn't know that I needed to do so!). She continues to hold this against me. That's fine, that's her perogative, I suppose. I drew the line however when she started to express her anger at me onto my son. Hell to the F-, no!!!
When I confronted her about it, she declared that since she was not consulted in the adoption process, she did not feel that she needed to acknowledge him as a member of her family. She put me in a position that forced me to choose between my relationship with her and my son.
Anyway, we haven't spoken in almost 3 years.
This past summer, I was consciously working on releasing my anger towards her and trying to forgive her for this and other isht she has dished out over the years. So, she was invited to a party at my house on Memorial Day. She behaved herself, but I didn't like the way she looked at or interacted with my child and I couldn't blindly give my trust back to her and so conversations have been sporatic in recent months; typically, when she initiates.
Ok, I'm getting to the point. This past weekend, my 11 and 12 year old nieces spent the night with us. They are really great kids, my son adores them, they adore him; and between these pre-teens eating me out of house and home, we had a great visit!
The 12 year old and I were sitting out on the porch Saturday evening, just talking, catching up on school, friends, whatever. At one point, she asked me why I didn't take my son to visit with his grandmother anymore.
I took a sip of my soda, stalling, trying to think of a neutral response. I believe there are some things adults just don't need to talk to kids about. So, I stalled and asked her why she asked,
"Well, I just wondered. Grandma said that he wasn't her grandson."
I felt like she had hit me in the stomach.
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" I asked.
Anyway, the short of the story is that my niece overheard her grandmother talking to someone about the total number of grandchildren she had. The 12 year old thought her grandmother had mis-counted and reminded her about my son. My mother's response to my 12 year old niece was,
"No, he's not my grandson. He's just adopted."
And rather than start cussin' and screaming like I wanted to, I asked my niece,
"Hmm, so what do you think about that?"
"She's wrong, auntie. He's my cousin."
I barely held back tears.
Here's where I have a problem: it's bad enough that she displaces her anger at me onto my child. But then to go to my sister's daughter, who is also a child, and try to sow discontent among the children is just foul! (and immature and petty and meanspirited and just plain evil!).
I needed to say this out loud and I apologize again that I am airing out family garbage, but I need to let this go. I have forgiven the woman who birthed me, but I will never forget, because this kinda hatred (and yes, this type of hostility reaks of hatred) runs deep. I was a child when it started, so I'm not sure what I did to initiate it; actually, no, scratch that. I'm not owning this. There is something wrong with a person who feels this type of hatred towards their OWN child. It runs deep and no amount of the occasional nice words she tosses my way will erase this. I won't forget, but I will pray for her and her damnable soul.
My relationship with my mother has always been difficult. I love her, she is my mother after all. But I am ashamed to admit that if we did not share blood, she would not be someone I would ever associate with. There, I said it.
Ok, so here is the latest in a long line of crap I have had to take from her over the years. Some may know that my son is adopted. Truly, the BEST decision of my entire life; we struggle at times, but I would make the same decision over and over again. I didn't ask my mother's permission to adopt (I was well into my adulthood and a fully functioning independent adult, and so I didn't know that I needed to do so!). She continues to hold this against me. That's fine, that's her perogative, I suppose. I drew the line however when she started to express her anger at me onto my son. Hell to the F-, no!!!
When I confronted her about it, she declared that since she was not consulted in the adoption process, she did not feel that she needed to acknowledge him as a member of her family. She put me in a position that forced me to choose between my relationship with her and my son.
Anyway, we haven't spoken in almost 3 years.
This past summer, I was consciously working on releasing my anger towards her and trying to forgive her for this and other isht she has dished out over the years. So, she was invited to a party at my house on Memorial Day. She behaved herself, but I didn't like the way she looked at or interacted with my child and I couldn't blindly give my trust back to her and so conversations have been sporatic in recent months; typically, when she initiates.
Ok, I'm getting to the point. This past weekend, my 11 and 12 year old nieces spent the night with us. They are really great kids, my son adores them, they adore him; and between these pre-teens eating me out of house and home, we had a great visit!
The 12 year old and I were sitting out on the porch Saturday evening, just talking, catching up on school, friends, whatever. At one point, she asked me why I didn't take my son to visit with his grandmother anymore.
I took a sip of my soda, stalling, trying to think of a neutral response. I believe there are some things adults just don't need to talk to kids about. So, I stalled and asked her why she asked,
"Well, I just wondered. Grandma said that he wasn't her grandson."
I felt like she had hit me in the stomach.
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" I asked.
Anyway, the short of the story is that my niece overheard her grandmother talking to someone about the total number of grandchildren she had. The 12 year old thought her grandmother had mis-counted and reminded her about my son. My mother's response to my 12 year old niece was,
"No, he's not my grandson. He's just adopted."
And rather than start cussin' and screaming like I wanted to, I asked my niece,
"Hmm, so what do you think about that?"
"She's wrong, auntie. He's my cousin."
I barely held back tears.
Here's where I have a problem: it's bad enough that she displaces her anger at me onto my child. But then to go to my sister's daughter, who is also a child, and try to sow discontent among the children is just foul! (and immature and petty and meanspirited and just plain evil!).
I needed to say this out loud and I apologize again that I am airing out family garbage, but I need to let this go. I have forgiven the woman who birthed me, but I will never forget, because this kinda hatred (and yes, this type of hostility reaks of hatred) runs deep. I was a child when it started, so I'm not sure what I did to initiate it; actually, no, scratch that. I'm not owning this. There is something wrong with a person who feels this type of hatred towards their OWN child. It runs deep and no amount of the occasional nice words she tosses my way will erase this. I won't forget, but I will pray for her and her damnable soul.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage
As per True Urban Queen's instructions... You go to MyHeritage and then you click on Celebrities. You upload a photo and get the results.
They had a little trouble matching my face. The picture before this one had me matched up with all men. . . all white men. Go figure.
I figure Whoopie and I were matched because of the hair and skin complexion. I have no idea what Janeane Garofalo is doing here, the other odd match was David Letterman.
I see that Carl Lewis, Wayne Brady and I share chipmunk cheeks. But other than that, I just don't see it.
MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Love List continued
I've said this before and I think it bears repeating. . . the Love List works! I 'love' the karma that has come my way since I started this list. Old friends and family are loving me better, I'm making new friends, my new blog support family (shoutouts to MsKnowItAll, The TrueUrbanQueen, GlenysLuckyMama, and others, for your recent support in times of mad stress) is growing.
I feel my aura expanding all around me, my mojo is on pointe and the pheromones are poppin'. I've been approached, I have approached; I have flirted, chatted up, winked at whoever catches my eye. I am eagerly anticipating the embodiment of my Love List to finally arrive.
Today's incident, however, has me thinking that I need to refine my list of 100. I need to narrow my focus just a bit. I stopped by what used to be my favorite BBQ place for lunch. The new owner was behind the counter as usual; a portly, friendly older man whose age I estimated to fall somewhere in the 60's. He greets me from across the restaurant as I enter:
"Hey, there's my friend! Where you been hiding?"
I mumbled something about work and also trying to stay out of his place due to the high cholesterol and fat content of most of the items on his menu. He laughed and said, predictably enough,
"Let me worry about you getting fat. I think I'd like you even if you did get bigger. Just as long as you keep your beautiful smile and dimples."
Yeah, whatever dude.
"I really do like you though. I like your dark skin complexion, I like what you do with your hair. I like the way you dress; you take the time to put effort into your appearance. You should see some of the folk that come up in here."
So, I'm nodding and smiling and thinking, "can I place my order?" He even comments on the fact that I'm carrying a novel with me, because I had every intention of catching up on a few chapters while I enjoyed my lunch. But he kept talking about this and that, my reading time was slowly dwindling away.
Ok, so at one point, he even comes around the counter and steps inside my comfort zone. Mind you, I'm comfortable around people, and I like being near folk and touching them, generally, so my zone is probably smaller than most people. So, when I start stepping back, you know, he was getting waaaaayy too familiar.
So, he'd been getting his mack and flirt on for about 15 minutes, the food has been ordered and prepared and delivered to me. I can't recall how we reached this point in the conversation, but he inquired about my age. I told him I was likely older than he thought, and he kindly suggested that I couldn't be more than 31 or 32 years old.
Yeah, ok. So, I did say he was macking, right?
Anyway, I told him my actual age, and he moved in a little closer and then started undressing me with his eyes. I called him on it,
"Hey, you, where'd you go? I'm right here, my eyes are located a little north from where you are now!"
"No, no, no," he caught himself, "I didn't mean any disrespect. I'm just a little surprised. Now I'm even more convinced that you have no business still being single."
"What do you mean?" I stupidly inquired.
"Well, women your age are at their sexual peak and prime. You really need to be with someone on a regular basis who can help you satisfy your needs."
All right. I stopped smiling and felt my skin crawl. Talk about uber creepy! I thought I had been having a little light, harmless flirtation with an older gentlemen, who looks every bit of my father's age of 75. And this . . . ewwww. . . had his mind in some waaay other icky place.
I suddenly looked down at my watch and discovered I didn't have time to eat in after all, and asked to have my food placed in a take out. As I'm trying to leave, he's inviting me to come back for dinner 'on the house' on Friday and then suggesting that if I played my cards right, I wouldn't ever have to go back to work again.
Ok, so, the mojo is working, that's the good news. But I need to inform the universe of some changes and modify my list just a bit to include the following:
91. He is between the ages of 30 and 50; strictly enforced.
92. He understands the difference between mild flirting and perversion.
93. He recognizes that I am no where near anybody's sugar baby and is glad about it.
94. He is sensitive to the verbal and nonverbal cues of people he interacts with. He checks in to make certain that his advances are appreciated and desired before pushing forward his own agenda.
95. I find him physically and sexually appealing.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Stress is a mutha!!
This has been a strange couple weeks for me. My emotions are all over the place, I have been eating myself out of house and home (slowly growing INTO a house) and have very little tolerance for B.S. It's hard for me to settle my mind for long, which means that I've now got 4 or 5 projects going on at once and none of them near completion.
I feel badly enough when I snap off at grown folk, but I feel like a total heel for my OVER-response to my son's minor infraction over the weekend. I've got some making up to do this evening.
My sleep is totally out of whack; I've been waking up every hour on the hour, with bad dreams and night sweats.
Oh, did I mention that I was eating everything in the house and the refrigerator at work? Oh, I did? My bad.
My co-worker's solution? Lexapro. Nah, I don't think so. At least, not yet.
What I need to do is settle myself down and deal with each of my relatively minor stressors, one at a time. I'm trying to look at the whole thing en masse and it is stressing me the hell out!
Is there a full moon?
I feel badly enough when I snap off at grown folk, but I feel like a total heel for my OVER-response to my son's minor infraction over the weekend. I've got some making up to do this evening.
My sleep is totally out of whack; I've been waking up every hour on the hour, with bad dreams and night sweats.
Oh, did I mention that I was eating everything in the house and the refrigerator at work? Oh, I did? My bad.
My co-worker's solution? Lexapro. Nah, I don't think so. At least, not yet.
What I need to do is settle myself down and deal with each of my relatively minor stressors, one at a time. I'm trying to look at the whole thing en masse and it is stressing me the hell out!
Is there a full moon?
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Change?
John C. McBush III?!! Omigoodness!! Thanks to my friend Pam for sharing.
Originally published on YouTube 9/5/08 by fyiarf
Jon Stewart and The Daily Show have been on point these last few weeks. This, however, has GOT to be the best!
Originally published on YouTube 9/5/08 by fyiarf
Jon Stewart and The Daily Show have been on point these last few weeks. This, however, has GOT to be the best!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Love List Continued
86. Understands that I have 'mommie' duties and without hesitation or resentment, understands that his needs and demands must follow the needs of my child. (inspired by TheTrueUrbanQueen).
87. In fact, he does set up the need for me to choose between him and my child; he even jumps in and takes on some of the responsibility
88. Puts the toilet seat back down without being asked.
89. Indulges me in my quest for "the next big" gadget
90. He is willing/able to acknowledge when he is wrong. (inspired by MsKnowItAll)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Mad Men
About this show: (taken from the AMC website) "Set in 1960s New York, the sexy, stylized and provocative AMC drama Mad Men follows the lives of the ruthlessly competitive men and women of Madison Avenue advertising, an ego-driven world where key players make an art of the sell."
I must admit, I was not initially intrigued or compelled to watch this show. The ads were too vague and I have never thought of AMC as the place to go for original programming. However, I think this is TV's best kept secret. I was totally bored out of my mind a couple Sunday evenings ago and found myself watching the beginning of Season 2. Omigoodness! This is the most intelligent programming I have seen in ages! I am enthralled by the complexity of these characters, and the conflict displayed here. It is interesting to watch 21st century morals (or lack thereof) played out in the context of the 1960's, when ole fashion family values was initially coined. Don Draper, played by an unknown actor (to me) Jon Hamm, is sexy, complicated, scandalous and confused, oh, did I mention SEXY? I am not an avid TV watcher; I turn on the tube when I have exhausted everything else. On any given week, my TV may be on for a total of 2-3 hours max. But I am now eagerly looking forward to next Sunday. If you have cable or satellite, I strongly recommend tuning in to this program. Sundays, 9pm central time.
I must admit, I was not initially intrigued or compelled to watch this show. The ads were too vague and I have never thought of AMC as the place to go for original programming. However, I think this is TV's best kept secret. I was totally bored out of my mind a couple Sunday evenings ago and found myself watching the beginning of Season 2. Omigoodness! This is the most intelligent programming I have seen in ages! I am enthralled by the complexity of these characters, and the conflict displayed here. It is interesting to watch 21st century morals (or lack thereof) played out in the context of the 1960's, when ole fashion family values was initially coined. Don Draper, played by an unknown actor (to me) Jon Hamm, is sexy, complicated, scandalous and confused, oh, did I mention SEXY? I am not an avid TV watcher; I turn on the tube when I have exhausted everything else. On any given week, my TV may be on for a total of 2-3 hours max. But I am now eagerly looking forward to next Sunday. If you have cable or satellite, I strongly recommend tuning in to this program. Sundays, 9pm central time.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Out of the mouths of babes
I had lunch with my son at his school yesterday. I arrived at school just before his class' lunch period and was informed that my child was not in his classroom. I knew from past experience this was not good news. And indeed, he had been overwhelmed by the classroom environment, became frustrated and was in the office completing his work 1:1 with another teacher.
I have to admit that I was rather disappointed. I told him when I dropped him off at school that I would be returning to have lunch with him. For some children, that would have been enough warning to be on their best behavior, at least until the mama left, but my baby. . . I think it was likely more pressure than he needed which led to his inability to regulate himself for the entire morning.
I am however, proud to report that I caught myself mid-fuss and reminded myself of what we had been learning in therapy. I decided that my disapproval or the anticipation of my disapproval is likely playing some role in that day's dysregulation and so I stopped, regulated myself and loved on him instead of fussing.
So, while in the cafeteria, we were sitting at the table, he was doing his level best NOT to cry and it was coming off as defiance and frustration. The kids in his class took me by surprise. I work with special needs children professionally, and I have often observed that children with emotional disorders are sometimes rejected or at least, ignored by their peers. Instead, these kids rallied around him and nearly overwhelmed me in their support of him. They were sweet and funny at the same, you know what I mean if you've ever spent extended time around a group of 7 year olds. They started out "ratting him out",
"He did this today; he did that today.'
Then the whole table of 8 jumped into a discussion about why he was upset today and how I really shouldn't be mad at him because,
"He was just too anxious, he couldn't help it," as one little dimpled darling informed me.
"Yeah, it got too loud for him and he just started doing THIS!" chimed in another, while demonstrating by putting his hands over his ears.
"I tried to help him by saying, 'calm down, calm down' but it was too late and Mr. Jones had to come and get him," claimed a third, in a matter of fact facsimile of an adult.
I was so thankful to know that despite his challenges, he is liked and valued by his peers; these kids, some of whom have known him since they started kindergarten together, have learned to adjust to his outbursts and seek to help him when possible. Even if some adults are unable to recognize it, these babies know what I know: my Heart and Soul is a wounded but beautiful soul and is someone definitely worth fighting for.
I have to admit that I was rather disappointed. I told him when I dropped him off at school that I would be returning to have lunch with him. For some children, that would have been enough warning to be on their best behavior, at least until the mama left, but my baby. . . I think it was likely more pressure than he needed which led to his inability to regulate himself for the entire morning.
I am however, proud to report that I caught myself mid-fuss and reminded myself of what we had been learning in therapy. I decided that my disapproval or the anticipation of my disapproval is likely playing some role in that day's dysregulation and so I stopped, regulated myself and loved on him instead of fussing.
So, while in the cafeteria, we were sitting at the table, he was doing his level best NOT to cry and it was coming off as defiance and frustration. The kids in his class took me by surprise. I work with special needs children professionally, and I have often observed that children with emotional disorders are sometimes rejected or at least, ignored by their peers. Instead, these kids rallied around him and nearly overwhelmed me in their support of him. They were sweet and funny at the same, you know what I mean if you've ever spent extended time around a group of 7 year olds. They started out "ratting him out",
"He did this today; he did that today.'
Then the whole table of 8 jumped into a discussion about why he was upset today and how I really shouldn't be mad at him because,
"He was just too anxious, he couldn't help it," as one little dimpled darling informed me.
"Yeah, it got too loud for him and he just started doing THIS!" chimed in another, while demonstrating by putting his hands over his ears.
"I tried to help him by saying, 'calm down, calm down' but it was too late and Mr. Jones had to come and get him," claimed a third, in a matter of fact facsimile of an adult.
I was so thankful to know that despite his challenges, he is liked and valued by his peers; these kids, some of whom have known him since they started kindergarten together, have learned to adjust to his outbursts and seek to help him when possible. Even if some adults are unable to recognize it, these babies know what I know: my Heart and Soul is a wounded but beautiful soul and is someone definitely worth fighting for.
Monday, September 1, 2008
He's at the heart of what matters to me
I love long weekends. It really gives my son and I time to de-stress and reconnect with each other. We didn't do anything in particular other than the usual errands. Mostly, we were just at home, "hangin'" as my kid likes to tell me, and talked.
So, this evening, while working on his spelling words for the coming week, he drops off a few priceless pearls that I thought I'd share:
He is taking French lessons at school and he prattled off some french phrase that he had learned the previous week. Sounded good to me, but I had no idea what he said. So, I asked.
"She hasn't told us what it means yet," he replied.
"Well, it seems to me," spouted his wise parent, "that maybe she was waiting for some brilliant child to ASK her what it meant. I'm thinking someone like MY brilliant child!"
"There are lots of brilliant children in my classroom."
**crickets**
Smart aleck!
Ok, so later he shares,
"Oh, and I had a dream about heaven."
"Oh, yeah? What was it like?" I inquired.
"There were lots of people there, good people, people who had been shot (we had just watched a re-run of 'Ghost'). Oh, and Jesus was there."
"Really? Did y'all get a chance to talk?"
"Yes ma'am. I asked Him to help me control my behavior in school and to give me a good attitude."
"You did?"
"Yes, ma'am and the next day, He made it come true."
"Yeah, Jesus is kinda good that way." was my wise retort.
So, he continued writing for a beat and then,
"Oh, I forgot. Jesus told me that I should have that Hot Wheels Slam toy that I showed you the other day!"
Indeed!
So, this evening, while working on his spelling words for the coming week, he drops off a few priceless pearls that I thought I'd share:
He is taking French lessons at school and he prattled off some french phrase that he had learned the previous week. Sounded good to me, but I had no idea what he said. So, I asked.
"She hasn't told us what it means yet," he replied.
"Well, it seems to me," spouted his wise parent, "that maybe she was waiting for some brilliant child to ASK her what it meant. I'm thinking someone like MY brilliant child!"
"There are lots of brilliant children in my classroom."
**crickets**
Smart aleck!
Ok, so later he shares,
"Oh, and I had a dream about heaven."
"Oh, yeah? What was it like?" I inquired.
"There were lots of people there, good people, people who had been shot (we had just watched a re-run of 'Ghost'). Oh, and Jesus was there."
"Really? Did y'all get a chance to talk?"
"Yes ma'am. I asked Him to help me control my behavior in school and to give me a good attitude."
"You did?"
"Yes, ma'am and the next day, He made it come true."
"Yeah, Jesus is kinda good that way." was my wise retort.
So, he continued writing for a beat and then,
"Oh, I forgot. Jesus told me that I should have that Hot Wheels Slam toy that I showed you the other day!"
Indeed!
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