a truth revealed

Satan has been whispering in my ear this weekend. I really should've expected this recent attack; my house is becoming peaceful again, and he just has to muck with me about something! This time, he has chosen to get to me through temptation.

Most of the time, I am a self-disciplined person. I take responsibility for my actions and I act according to whether I want to deal with the consequences of my actions. I have a couple friends that repeatedly tell me that I need to relax a bit, and you may feel that way too, but I have developed this strategy of behaving for a reason.

I'm not a good girl.

I know I look that way. I have spent years cultivating this act; sometimes it's so good that I even fool myself. But, between you and me, if I didn't take control of my nature. . . well, let's just say, bad things could happen.

As I said, satan has been burning up my ear this weekend.

Married dude is overall, a good guy. Outgoing personality, friendly, loving father. Despite his calls and texts over the past couple months, he has kept it clean and has not pushed any real barriers.

This weekend, I started it. I threw out the first provocative comment, I am the queen of sexual innuendo and he is the king. I opened the door and he stepped right up to the threshold.

The only thing that stopped me from yanking him all the way through was 1) all of my smack talk was done through texts (gave me a little distance), 2) he does not know where I live (and because we weren't face to face, I resisted the impulse to tell him); and 3) I had not arranged for a sitter.

I'm writing down this pitiful confession because I need to come clean with myself and y'all might help to keep me honest. In an earlier post, I asked about needing the right words to make him leave me alone. I really didn't. I just need to deal with me.

I'm not interested in a relationship with him. Even without a wife and kids, he has some serious character flaws that I know I would be unable to tolerate in the long run. But he has something that I need (and no, I'm not going for the obvious!).

My last relationship ended about a year or so ago. Good man, good father, good provider. He was attracted to my "good girl" persona, which I encouraged, but after awhile, I started giving hints for him to dig a little deeper. He wasn't buying it though.

The beginning of the end of our relationship occurred one night while we were out with friends at a nightclub for a night of jazz. I felt inspired to show him how much I loved him and invited him to join me in the ladies' room, or men's room, at that point I wasn't particular. His face went through a series of changes. . . initially a naughty smile, then shock, and finally disgust when he realized I was perfectly serious. On another occasion, while on vacation, I tried to seduce him on the balcony of our 19th floor, ocean front hotel room. Mind you, this was a little tame for me, but I thought this would be a good compromise for him. He ran inside and grabbed a blanket to cover my nakedness and then began to lecture me on propriety.

I couldn't be myself and he did not want to know the real me.

But married dude?

He was right there with me. In fact, there were at least a couple times, he made my jaw dropped. (I quickly recovered though). He embraced all the loving I had to give and taught me how to even take it up another notch.

That was before I knew he belonged to someone else, of course.

I've been in good girl mode since that last relationship. I'm not willing to subjugate my nature again; I prefer to wait for the right one to come along. In the relationship I felt stifled and was led to believe that my desires, which I had only for him, made me 'nasty' or 'unclean' somehow. This only led to resentment, on both our parts.

But I realize now that I'm giving missed messages; because I need more than what my persona implies. Which made me just ripe for the picking for married dude's latest arrival.

So, obviously, I need to modify my Love List a little more. I don't think I actually said he would have to be single, so I'm saying it now. #102: Must be single. I implied that I needed someone sexually adventurous, but maybe I need to state that more clearly also. #103: Must be sexually adventurous and willing to embrace my "bad girl."

I also need to drop, or at least, lower my good girl act when in mixed company; I've been doing it so long though, that I don't always recognize it until it's too late.

I know my man is out there. I'm not looking for him in Married Dude, or any other attached nut (pun intended).

But, boo, I'm thinking that this would be a really good time for you to show yourself, before I get into real trouble.

Love List, concluded

Your Love Life is Like Casablanca

"Kiss me. Kiss me as if it were the last time." For you, love is never finished. If you've loved someone once, you'll always love them. You're an old fashioned romantic... even if your relationships don't end up as romantic as you'd like. Your love style: Traditional and understated Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Complicated and ambiguous

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

Well, hopefully my Hollywood ending won't be too complicated and ambiguous . . . I gotta admit, though, that I do like 'complicated'.

I am finally completing my Love List 100. It's been fun and enlightening and I am eagerly anticipating what the universe will blow my way.

So, here they are, the final 5:

96. He is funny and has a great sense of humor

97. He is able to laugh at himself and doesn't mind acting goofy at times in public

98. He takes his responsibility as a role model seriously, works with young men in the church and community, setting a standard for manhood.

99. He leaves romantic notes and/or poems in my briefcase or around the house, just because.

100. He proudly tells any and all who listens, that I am his!

Love List continued

I've said this before and I think it bears repeating. . . the Love List works! I 'love' the karma that has come my way since I started this list. Old friends and family are loving me better, I'm making new friends, my new blog support family (shoutouts to MsKnowItAll, The TrueUrbanQueen, GlenysLuckyMama, and others, for your recent support in times of mad stress) is growing.

I feel my aura expanding all around me, my mojo is on pointe and the pheromones are poppin'. I've been approached, I have approached; I have flirted, chatted up, winked at whoever catches my eye. I am eagerly anticipating the embodiment of my Love List to finally arrive.

Today's incident, however, has me thinking that I need to refine my list of 100. I need to narrow my focus just a bit. I stopped by what used to be my favorite BBQ place for lunch. The new owner was behind the counter as usual; a portly, friendly older man whose age I estimated to fall somewhere in the 60's. He greets me from across the restaurant as I enter:

"Hey, there's my friend! Where you been hiding?"

I mumbled something about work and also trying to stay out of his place due to the high cholesterol and fat content of most of the items on his menu. He laughed and said, predictably enough,

"Let me worry about you getting fat. I think I'd like you even if you did get bigger. Just as long as you keep your beautiful smile and dimples."

Yeah, whatever dude.

"I really do like you though. I like your dark skin complexion, I like what you do with your hair. I like the way you dress; you take the time to put effort into your appearance. You should see some of the folk that come up in here."

So, I'm nodding and smiling and thinking, "can I place my order?" He even comments on the fact that I'm carrying a novel with me, because I had every intention of catching up on a few chapters while I enjoyed my lunch. But he kept talking about this and that, my reading time was slowly dwindling away.

Ok, so at one point, he even comes around the counter and steps inside my comfort zone. Mind you, I'm comfortable around people, and I like being near folk and touching them, generally, so my zone is probably smaller than most people. So, when I start stepping back, you know, he was getting waaaaayy too familiar.

So, he'd been getting his mack and flirt on for about 15 minutes, the food has been ordered and prepared and delivered to me. I can't recall how we reached this point in the conversation, but he inquired about my age. I told him I was likely older than he thought, and he kindly suggested that I couldn't be more than 31 or 32 years old.

Yeah, ok. So, I did say he was macking, right?

Anyway, I told him my actual age, and he moved in a little closer and then started undressing me with his eyes. I called him on it,

"Hey, you, where'd you go? I'm right here, my eyes are located a little north from where you are now!"

"No, no, no," he caught himself, "I didn't mean any disrespect. I'm just a little surprised. Now I'm even more convinced that you have no business still being single."

"What do you mean?" I stupidly inquired.

"Well, women your age are at their sexual peak and prime. You really need to be with someone on a regular basis who can help you satisfy your needs."

All right. I stopped smiling and felt my skin crawl. Talk about uber creepy! I thought I had been having a little light, harmless flirtation with an older gentlemen, who looks every bit of my father's age of 75. And this . . . ewwww. . . had his mind in some waaay other icky place.

I suddenly looked down at my watch and discovered I didn't have time to eat in after all, and asked to have my food placed in a take out. As I'm trying to leave, he's inviting me to come back for dinner 'on the house' on Friday and then suggesting that if I played my cards right, I wouldn't ever have to go back to work again.

Ok, so, the mojo is working, that's the good news. But I need to inform the universe of some changes and modify my list just a bit to include the following:

91. He is between the ages of 30 and 50; strictly enforced.

92. He understands the difference between mild flirting and perversion.

93. He recognizes that I am no where near anybody's sugar baby and is glad about it.

94. He is sensitive to the verbal and nonverbal cues of people he interacts with. He checks in to make certain that his advances are appreciated and desired before pushing forward his own agenda.

95. I find him physically and sexually appealing.

Love List Continued

86. Understands that I have 'mommie' duties and without hesitation or resentment, understands that his needs and demands must follow the needs of my child. (inspired by TheTrueUrbanQueen).

87. In fact, he does set up the need for me to choose between him and my child; he even jumps in and takes on some of the responsibility

88. Puts the toilet seat back down without being asked.

89. Indulges me in my quest for "the next big" gadget

90. He is willing/able to acknowledge when he is wrong. (inspired by MsKnowItAll)

Love List continued

Love has been on my mind quite a bit lately. Romantic love, friendly love, sexual love, family love; it's all around me. I'm ashamed that I don't always acknowledge that I am truly a blessed individual, surrounded by people who can and do treasure me daily. I see it in the love I share with my child, the love I share with family and friends, even the love I share with my animals. God's love for me is evident in both the expected and odd places and I hope that He knows and feels my love for Him in return.

I sometimes get so focused on discovering and re-experiencing romantic love that I neglect to appreciate love in all of it's forms and manifestations. So, I'm dedicating this post to family and friends, (yes, even the four legged kind) for reminding me that I'm somebody worth caring for and reminding me that even at my lowest points, love surrounds me daily.

God woke me up this morning; He allowed us to sleep in safety and security last night. My heart was overflowing yesterday afternoon when going to pick up my son from aftercare, he spotted me across a crowded gym floor and yelled at the top of his lungs, "mommie!!!!!!", ran and jumped in my arms, smacking kisses everywhere "just cuz." Last night, I put down food for my dogs and Lillian, the cockapoo sniffed at her bowl, prepared to take a bite, appeared to change her mind, and came over instead to me to lick the side of my leg. I figure she was thanking me for the chow. It was only after I rubbed the top of her head and thanked her for her thanks that she continued eating her dinner. Thursday afternoon, a co-worker left our clinic to head for a meeting at the corporate office. When she returned, she entered my office without speaking and placed three pieces of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on my desk (umm yummy!). A friend that I am crushing on sent me an email out of the blue inquiring whether I'd received any response yet from a writing contest I recently entered. I was instructed to be sure to let him know the outcome, positive or negative. My daddy called earlier this week while I was on my way to work, "whatcha doin', chile?" in a loud, boisterous voice, "didn't want nothin', just wanted to say hi! and I ain't got no money either, so don't ask!" I am crazy 'bout that ole man!!


81. He is unable to resist putting loving hands on me, anywhere, anytime, anyplace
82. He can identify my favorite authors and artists
83. He occasionally drops by my office unexpectedly "just because."
84. He is a provider for his family; does not want to be taken care of by any woman. In fact, he is insulted by the very idea.
85. He knows which side of the hammer is up.

Love List Continued

76. The hair on his arms, chest and legs is sexy.

77. He allows me to be in a foul mood and gives me time to recover on my own. He does not automatically assume that it has anything to do with him.

78. He has dreams and freely shares them with me.

79. He is loyal to me and our family. He does not allow anyone outside of us to talk about or demean us in his presence.

80. He does the dishes and cleans the bathroom just because he knows that I hate doing it.

Love List continued

I was raised in a family who demonstrated love through put downs. I suppose the intentions were good; you know, "I'm going to bring you to the reality of yourself before the world does it," but it was hell, did I say H-E-L-L on a sista's self-esteem. The other loving touch was to make all decisions for you without allowing you an opportunity to figure some things out on your own. And if you attempted to make your own choices that did not fall in with the party line, more put downs. The result of all of this love for me has been wrong, wrong, and more wrong choices for mates; (I had no idea what I wanted or needed). And a couple near misses in my career. I am not blaming my family for my problems, I think I'm just acknowledging how some of them may have developed. They did the best they could with what they had. And even though I have had to struggle, I think I turned out to be pretty cool people!

I'm thinking about how I will finish this Love List. The best, best BEST friend in my world is a guy. We have been friends for nearly 10 years now. He is my reality check, confidante (Chez, I promise if you spill one bone from my closet, I will KILL you!!); and I hope that I have been only half as good to him as he's been to me. We truly are friends, there is no sexual chemistry even though he is fine as hell; but he is a really good person. Many of the qualities that have allowed our friendship to flourish, I find that I value and have included on my Love List. (Any single women out there who need a hook up, I GOT you!!). I'm a lot more appreciative of this friend and indeed all of my male friends, parts of each of them are reflected in this list. I hope this means that I am getting closer to receiving the man that is for me.

One thing that has also happened is my heightened awareness of WHAT I want, what I NEED. I have been slow to learn what moves me. In the past, I have typically picked the same man over and over again and then wonder why it doesn't work for me. I ended a relationship about a year and a half ago; quicker than I would have ordinarily, so I guess that means I've been making progress?! Anyway, a part of me knew even in the beginning, that he was not right for me, but our mutual friends were egging us towards each other, "y'all would be PERFECT together; he's just what you need!" He really wasn't; and I felt guilty when I understood that, nearly a year into the relationship. We were the only two singles in our group of married or involved friends; I think our relationship just helped us to fit in better.

So, recently some friends have been talking to me about the "Good On Paper Guy". Y'all know him; he's the right age, the right career, is stable financially and careerwise, ok looking, family man. I remember feeling my interest peak for the first time in over a year. Then I met him and he was all that I was told. And he didn't do a damn thing for me. I could hear the voices in my head though trying to override this reality. "Ah, he's attractive; once you get to know him, you'll like him more." Oooo, Get thee behind me Satan!!

I know that this is nothing more than a repeat of my old script. I have a clearer understanding of what attracts me, and the type of person who would fit easily into our world. Seven or eight months ago, I fell into this attraction for a man, who is now a good friend of mine (NOT Chez!!). I remember first laying eyes on him thinking, "eh, no!" Shortly after though, he looked at me and spoke for the first time. I mean he really looked at me, like he knew me already. I felt like I had been struck by lightning. This is the easiest relationship I have ever fallen into with a man. No games, no awkward stage, no wondering if he likes me. He has always been free to let me know that, right from the beginning. My friendship with him is as natural as breathing and as familiar. He is the mirror image of me; not an exact replica, subtle differences, but the same. What I didn't know is that he is already in a relationship!

Oh, what a let down that was. I can't say that he led me on, because he didn't. He likes me and is as comfortable with me as I am with him and we enjoy spending time together, and, we are still friends, girlfriend and all. I am closely examining those things that draw me to him cuz, I have no intention of letting my romantic feelings for him deter me from finding someone who is available to me.

My point in even bringing this sad issue up is that I know where I have gotten myself into trouble. When I meet the person for me, I won't have to pretend or force any interest or attraction. I won't need to compromise on age, looks, jobs, finances, part-time pettiness, mutual interest or any other factor. I am NOT making a mistake by refusing to entertain the "Good on Paper Guy"; he's not for me, (again, if someone else wants him, I'll direct him your way.)

Feel free to point out any errors in my thinking; I've said before, I'm still trying to work some things out. So, in the interest of further enlightenment,

The Love List continues:

71. He knows what size clothes I wear.
72. He does not hesitate to tell me when my female friends are out of order, that is, too flirtatious or seductive towards him (oo, I feel another post coming on!!)
73. He looks for me when he comes home; greeting me with a kiss and a ‘hi’, rather than disappearing into another room of the house without a word
74. He is knowledgeable about something and takes pleasure in sharing it with and teaching me.
75. He gets me; warts, insecurities and all.
76. Hair on his chest, arms and legs is s e x y!!

Love List Continued

61. Fiscally responsible

62. Able to say and know when to say he is sorry

63. He tells me as well as shows me that he loves me (women need to hear the words, too!)

64. He cuts and mows his own lawn and makes his own repairs (as opposed to calling my 75 year old father to do it) and he arranges for a professional to do what he can not).

65. He keeps my car clean and maintained without need of any reminders from me

66. He is health conscious and understands that quality of life and longevity do not necessarily go hand in hand. He gets off the couch at least 2-3 times a week

67. He supports my need to express myself creatively without giving in to feelings of insecurity or feeling intimidated just because it isn't his thing.

68. He is perfectly ok to jump in a car at the last minute for a weekend road trip.

69. His eyes light up when he sees me.

70. He takes good care of his sisters and mother.

Love List Continued

I am now halfway through my list of desirable love traits. I'm aware that, as a friend of mine recently pointed out, I will never meet anyone who embodies all of these characteristics, but I'm hoping that this list will help me to reach for a higher standard. This has been an interesting time for me, generating this list. I am actually looking around at the men I know and re-evaluating them and my connection to them. Not just potential mates, but even the men I call friends. I find that I appreciate them more. I'm also crushing on a casual male acquaintance after recognizing that he embodied almost 40 of my first 50 traits. Yummy!

So, the Love List continues:

51. He has his own set of friends

52. He believes that maintaining the cleanliness and upkeep of our household is both our responsibility

53. My heart skips a beat at the sound of his voice; I lose my breath, just a little, at the unexpected sight of him

54. He is confident enough in our relationship to be an ass every now and again.

55. He calls me at work to invite me out for a date.

56. Every now and again, he gets the kids up and out of the house early on Saturday, just so I can sleep in in peace.

57. He gives me mental orgasms

58. He loans me his shoulders when I need to cry away my daily stressors.

59. He threatens (jokingly) to kick my co-worker’s butt for causing me grief on the job.

60. He convincingly says, “no, of course those pants don’t make you look fat!”

Love List Continued

41. He purchases feminine products at the store without complaining.

42. He understands that women are really not that complicated. If a man loves a woman more than he loves himself, and treasures her and seeks to always make decisions with her best interests in heart, and this loves is coming from a man she wants, she will give him the world in return.

43. While at a party or other public function, he does not cling or hover. He does find times, however, throughout the evening to send me a wink, or get close enough for a touch of his hand

44. As my man, he embraces my spontaneity and closet wickedness. He indulges me whenever possible. Enough said. (This is a family blog after all).

45. He does not hold grudges

46. He loves his mama

47. He knows how to hold a conversation

48. Children and animals like him.

49. He enjoys cultural events like the symphony or live theater; or if he does not, he is willing to occasionally indulge my pleasure in these events.

50. He lovingly grabs fistfuls of my hair

Love List Continued

31. He understands the loving power of a simple touch; the importance of physical contact e.g., a touch on the shoulder or arm, a quick hug, running his hands across my hair

32. He suggests washing my hair and giving me my own special spa treatment, particularly when we have the house to ourselves.

33. He holds my hand in public.

34. He calls to tell me when he’ll be a little late.

35. He calls when he says he will call.

36. He takes pleasure in and values the extended Saturday morning cuddles

37. We work together to minimize negative influences from our friends and family; our loyalty is to our relationship first.

38. He changes diapers without being asked.

39. He does not consider himself a babysitter when he is left alone with the children. He recognizes that child rearing is a shared responsibility.

40. My son joyfully calls him “daddy.”

Love List Continued

21. Please Lord, let him read something other than the sports pages of the daily newspaper.

22. He is compassionate towards others

23. He knows that I am Forest Gump-simple in the mornings and does not try to engage me in conversation until after my first cup of coffee, which he himself prepared.

24. He remembers my birthday

25. He understands the power of a simple, loving kiss

26. He understands and takes full advantage of the fact that lovemaking begins well before any clothes are removed. Actually, before either of us even gets home.

27. He calls in the middle of the day “just to say I love you.” He sends a text prior to an important meeting telling me that he was thinking about me.

28. He takes the initiative on occasion to be responsible for the preparation or planning of evening meal

29. He is capable of planning an entire weeklong vacation on his own but decides to include me in the planning because it is more fun that way.

30. He enjoys watching movies as much as I do; and then enjoys dissecting them until we can recite passages by heart.

Love List Continued

11. Must be open to new experiences like traveling, theatre, concerts in the park

12. Must feel a sense of belonging to the community and the world around him. He will be actively involved either through church, civic or political organizations.

13. Should be a registered voter and exercises his right to vote regularly.

14. His personal ambitions should take him further than the couch to the bedroom or from work to home. That is, he constantly challenges himself to become the person God has called him to be.

15. Gainfully employed.

16. Demonstrates daily care and concern for his family. He daily decisions reflect his desire to serve his family. For example, “I’m going to get up to work today because my family deserves a decent roof over their heads.” Or, he picks up a marble cheesecake on his way home from work because he knows how much I love it. Or, he actively searches out fun activities to be shared between he and his children.

17. He loves fast cars and indulges my need to push my car to 100 mpg every now and again.

18. He listens to and supports my dreams. He does not demean them (or me) because he doesn’t understand them or because they are not his own.

19. He does not feel a need to control me. He is confident enough in himself and in our relationship to let me fly and do my thing.

20. He must (will) never lay his hands on me in anger.

Ready for Love

The Love List, continued

6. Must love dogs
7. Must be able to communicate. The strong silent type only plays well in the movies.
8. He must be willing to have a good fight every now and again. He can fight fairly and knows where the boundaries are. And even at the height of his "madness", he remembers that he loves me.
9. He knows that my feet are made of clay. I'm not always perfect and sometimes I do some idiotic stuff. But he is able to find something in me that he cherishes, which enables him to love me in spite of my faults.
10. "I need a man who loves music; a man who loves art. Respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart." (India.Arie "Ready for Love")

Love List

The idea of love and relationships has been on my mind recently. You may ask how, given the stressors of motherhood and my job, but . . . hey, it is what it is. I'm not feening for a man, but I love the idea of another person enhancing our family. Now while I make conscious efforts to surround my son with positive male role models, I think that as he gets older, the more he will need his own. I have not always made wise choices when it comes to relationships. Unfortunately, I'm still playing out scripts written in my childhood. But I am more cautious now, particularly since I know that my choices will impact my child. While reading another blog, the author commented about her recent epiphany and awareness of her own pattern of choosing the wrong men. She took an idea from another blogger and created her Love List.

So, in the interest of speaking our thoughts, wishes and needs into existence, I am beginning my own Top 100 Love list. Over the course of the next few weeks, I will add to the list until it is complete. Feel free to comment and/or share your own thoughts.

1. Loves God
2. Loves me more than his own body
3. Is secure and confident in his own maleness
4. Loves children and family
5. Loves his job and career; looks forward to going to work each day.